Appropriate way to end this year!

I have so much passion, I dream all the time as well but I think my passion is stronger than dreamig. That's why I burn myself so easily.
Looks like everybody is going to sleep before midnight. My father is drunk as always he is on New Years. My mother will go to sleep at the same time Abi is going to sleep. I am about to finish my 10th year in this country. There are things I like and things I don't but I love this country. It is still the land of infinite possibility and the place where I am free to dream. Last 10 years I have spent different place every New Year, Boston, Portland, LA, Japan, San Francisco, Bay Point, Maui..... It has been for sure fun adventure. Though, I seemed to able to spend many new years eve with my parents even I was everywhere. This year is calm one and it is very appropriate for me to end this year in writing. I am happy to spend tonight and end this year writing. After all this is what makes me happy. Alone with my thoughts, my soul while my hand moving like busy bee.
Sometimes, I feel I am contradicting because I crave human connection so much but at the same time, I think I love to be alone most. This is how I recharge my energy but this is why I still want strong connection with other people. Many times I feel it is never close enough to other people, and I want spend so many hours with others. And other times I don't care if everyone else exist in my life, and all I want is enjoying myself and my son. Maybe that's why I like to write. It is a perfect combination both being close to others at the same time being alone. Tonight I can go on writing for long time. Actually, every day I can but I feel like I should tonight as my resolution for next year. Live in my passion -writing and show who I am. This is a year of manifestation, I believe.
I think every new years eve, I felt unsureness. It's because things cannot be clear around holiday season. It is the time to just enjoy friends and family. It is the time when everything else slow down. It is a chance for everyone to stop being busy and have appreciation what we already have. So I think New Years eve is hard day to see what is coming up. We are supposed to enjoy what we have right now. I accept that yet my anticipation gets me easily. I anticipate to have "hatuyume"(means first dream of the year which for tells how your year is going to be.) I anticipate how my new journey is taking to me. I know after all this is just one of night. Time or calender was just something we created for us to be practical. And I am not really practical in that way. Still, I take tonight as something special. It is a perfect day to excuse for me to start fresh again!
The house is quiet now. I can only hear me typing. It is a peaceful sound and I can feel how this sound is healing my heart. I am truly myself when I am listening this sound. I am one with me and around me. Time, space, limitations/freedom disappear when I hear this sound. Even myself disappear in this sound. I am no longer who I am that I define in daily life. I am strongest and at the same time kindest while I hear this sound. If this is not my calling or vocation then, what will be..... Everything tells me to go on this path and I believe in myself but it does not change how scary it is for me. It seems like the only way to trust myself is to hear more this sound. Who would thought this modern souless technology sound could be my healing sound? But it is this is not souless machine, this is full of soul depend on who is using it.
I would like to read this on the new years eve of next year.
I wish you Happy New Year! And enjoy your first dream tonight!

It was my father who gave me my first journal. Of course, the memory we carry with us is not the way it actually happneed. It is the way we remeber so this is how I remeber this. I remeber one day he said he has a present for me. He brought me a very pretty diary book. I was 1st grade. He told me that I can write anything I want but I must write everyday even the day I cannot find anything to write. I don't know how I found out but I found out the reason why he gave me a journal was because I failed badly on my first Japanese test. It was supposed to be very easy but I think I only got 50% on the exam. My mother was shocked. She could not believe that I got only 50% on first exam that is supposed to be very easy. She must thought I have a serious problem. > I remeber we sat down kitchen table and she looked. I was okay. I did not know 50% is bad at the time. She analzed what I did wrong. Then she asked, "How did you choose this answers?" (it was multiple choices) > I said, "well I imagined if i was him I would think like this." > My mom, "Did you read a story the top of these questions?"> "Yeah, it was very interesting. How nice of my teacher to attach some fun story on the exam."> "Did you know you are supposed to answer questions based on this story?"> "No, I thought the story is just for fun. I thought I am supposed to answer questions from my imagination." > I think she was relieved that I did not have serious issue on my brain. I was just misunderstanding how to take a test. She taught me how to take these kind of exam........> I remeber it was same week my father bought me the pretty journal. I believe he bought me it because he heard my first exam story from my mother. As matter of fast, my brother had never gotten any journal from my parents. > Same day, my father told me that every time I finish my journal, he will buy new one and I get to pick one. I was so excited about this continuous gift. I did not feel stupid that I failed my exam, but I was happy that now I have a gift for life from my father. > I think it continued through my elementary school. My journal saved my parents marriage one time (well I believe it did!) > My father or mother had never checked my journal. Although my father insisted to write everyday, he had never looked my journal. > One day they ahd really bad fight and they did not skeap for a week. It was the record. I was concern about them. So I wrote on my journal how i feel about it. I was second grade. Up to the time, I was always writing just what happned the day. I had never written how I feel about what I did. But the day I did.> Then, next day I opened my journal and there was a responce from my father. He said "we are going to divorce." My heart jumped out from my body, then I realized there was more wrods after that he said "we are going to get divorce (this is just a joke.) We just have disagreement.....if your mother kiss my cheek, everything will be fine." > something like that. So I wrote back to him, "How do I tell her about this?" > There was no responce from my father next day. I did not know what is my next move.......then miracle happen! > My mother came to me and said, "I think it is time to forgive your father." > I was like, "wow! Good timing!" Then, I asked my mother, "Did you read my journal?" She said, "Yeah, I don't know why but I felt I should." > Then, the night she welcomed my father and we are back to perfect family. > I believe they had never read my journal. They did not care what I wrote. All they wanted was to practice my writing, gain more vocabrary, and be familiar with writing. > But the day, they both did. I felt even how small I am I have a power. My journal saved both my emotional crisis and my family crisis. And it stil does now days. > My father kept buying through my elementary year so about 6 books. I still have all my journal and of course I still have the particular one my father wrote. everytime, I go back to Japan, I read it. so I remeber it was not just my dream. It really happned. when I enter my jr high, I did not write evryday but I still kept writing once a while. The writing style changed from writing about the days event to writing about my feelings. I began to hide from my parents just in case they decided to read again. My journal has been my best friend since the day my father gave me the first one. And I am sure she will continue to be my best friend next year as well. No matter how alone I feel from time to time, she will always be here with me. I read her all the time. We talked about but I stopped writing, or playing guitar when I had Abi and while I was married. > It's so ironic but the first day, I started to write my journal was the day my husband was missing. I was on my way to my friends house in Japan. I wrote on the tain how much I worried about him. I wrote many many times "I hope he is okay, I hope he is okay." Then, next day I found out he wasn't. I promised myself since then not to ignore my instinct. Even though I could not do anything about it, I still felt something that was not quite right. > At the same time, I realized I gained fear from this experience. I get scared when I leave Abi more than one night. Because that was the first day I left my son to my parents to go see my friend. I realized I get scared when someone who is consistently writing does not write me back like they do. Because it reminds of me the time when he stop contacting on me. This is my issue so do not worry but I was worried that you might be gone like he did. I know I have to recondition myself that it was nothing to do with me leaving my son. or there is no relationship between someone no contacting me and death. But it is still scary. Is this my head's problem or my heart? I don't know. > > I don't know why I wrote about this. I was gonna write back to your email. But, this came out before the response to your email. I could not stop writing about this. I have no idea why but I felt I needed to write. Maybe because there is only 6 days left this year and there are a few pages left on my currect journal as well. Maybe because my parents are here right now. Maybe because I wrote how I truly feel right now on my journal right before I wrote this. Maybe because I feel like I am in my dream right now. I feel like I have not waken up for couple month but this is my reality for now. Well I don't know the difference betwee these two -reality and dream. I read the page my father wrote, everytime I go back to Japan so I can tell myself it really happened. Otherwise, I start believing it was just my dream. > Did I really write the book? Or am I dreaming? Did I really see all the signs that I belive to be my sign? > I believe there is no way to practice non-attachment without I experience deep attachment to something at first. If I try to practice non-attachment without accepting I have deep desire, I am actually attaching to non-attachment. Then what I am doing is same thing. I am attached to non-attachment, > So, I decided to feel as deep as I want but it still hurts. It still hurts to know the moment of truth. the moment of jumping into non-attachment practice from attachment experience. I know this is not the end. The door is not closed until I reach... but practing non-attachment is hard thing. I am just expressing this as I write my journal, so take like you are reading my jounral. Tonight, you are my journal. > > Merry, merry christmas! > Please don't be sad finishing my writing. Someone told me once the quote from Dr Seuss "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!" I like that. You will have many many chances to read wonderful stories of others and mine. Maybe not Hoshi but I am sure whoever next will be her family because at the end we are just one big family.

You cannot learn nonattachment without experiencing attachment.
So, I decided to deeply involve and deelpy attach to something or someone before I practice non-attachment.
Yes, I will experience great deal of pain and suffering by attaching to something or someone but if i don't attach because I am AFRAID not being able to do non-attachment, ultimately I am doing saomething -attaching to non-attachment.
If I decided not to do because of fear of pain, then I am attaching to avoding to my fear.
So, first I have to accept that I am deeply attaching to someone or something. Then, when it crushes, I will learn about non-attachment.
I rather choose to be shredded by my pain than avoiding to face my pain.

So I did not write anything in here for two month or so. There are only two reasons when I don’t write my growth chart. Either I am avoiding to face my inner conflict or I am writing somewhere else.
So, this time it was because I was writing somewhere else. It was very long one not like me but it was just full of me with full of different personality. We will see what it will bring me next year. I still signs almost weekly. It used to creep me out but not anymore. I feel strange when I don’t see them.
So now, my project is about to end. I know I am such a passionate person. I have never met someone who has more fire than I do. I wish I could meet the kind of person one day. But until then, I’ll just have dialogs with myself.
I read my old blogs to see how I was thinking about this new adventure. I didn’t know at the time. I did not know how crazy this year is going to be. I did not know what I am about to plunge in! I am patient seeker with movement, which means I am always on the move and looks like I am impatient.
I think I can love someone again. It was one of the reasons why I picked the plot. I wanted to wake me up. I did not want to feel dead the part of me anymore. I did not want to feel empty anymore.
I think I can love someone again and it is even better I can love both selfishly and selflessly.
I am sorry it took me so long to be ready but I am ready now. I know you have been waiting patiently. It took me 146 pages to find who you are. I am sorry if i made you feel unimportant. But I did in two weeks! I was not rush but I tried to be fast for you. So forgive me. I have rest of my life to make up for you. It's just love comes back when you are ready.

Follow the obsession

I am type 7 in enneagram. I like open, options, less commitment. They say I have many project that's unfinished. I am not sure that's true but I can relate that I like to move next to next. All the personality types (astrology, MBTI, enneagram) that I took same thing about me. So I think there is something very accurate about me. I say so because I agree with it. they all says writing and creativity, which I really believe that's in me. But I am not tuned I was very tune about 4 years ago but now no it has been for a while......
So, I was thinking I am not passionate about anything lately. I love things I do and I am trying to do but I have not found new way to look at them. When I cannot find new thing to be passionate about I go with my obsession. I have one obsession lately well it's been 3 month. That's long for me. So, I think I am gonna stick to this obsession. There must be reason for it because I usually don't! Maybe this is leading something more....
anyway obsession has negative image in this country but I think it is not good or bad. It is depend on how you use it.

Lavender

My favorite flower is Lavender. For many years, it was my dream to grow lavender. I grew up in fifth floor of condo in Japan. In my head, I had a picture of lavender farm that I once saw in Hokkaido (north part of Japan.) I love Lavender oil, lavender soap. Any lavender smell that is from real lavender. So, when I moved to a house with my husband, I planted. Everyday, I checked how she is doing like it is my child. Every night I told my dog, "the flower plant is very very special for mommy. It is not your bathroom. Okay. " So with all my love and nurture, lavender responded very well. I had one lavender plant but in my head I was seeing the lavender farm in Hokkaido. I was happy. Of course, when the house went to foreclosure with all other mess, and moving to Boston, I could not take her with me. I didn't even know where I am gonna live now. I took my dog and child they are the only living thing I took and left. So, of course when I moved back to SF, the first thing I did was to plant some lavender. Smell is a strong trigger for memory. I needed lavender plants more than any other plant before. I nurtured, checked everyday, talked to them like my second child. My dog cannot go outside unless I go with her because no doggy door. So that covered that.
I loved her very much. But, two weeks later I noticed she dried out. Well, it must be gradual but for me it was very very sudden. I was probably denial that she was dying. So, when I noticed she was already small and dry, nothing like it used to be.

I began to wonder why. Did I give too much water, too little? Was I suppose to give certain fertilizer? Was sun too strong or too weak for her. I blamed myself. I thought it's gotta be a reason why she did not survive. From everyone eyes it was obvious that she was dead but I kept her and hoping that she is gonna come back. Summer passed and still no sign of coming back. October in SF is Indian summer, best time to do anything. All my plants looking good. Strawberry is still giving some fruits. Everyone seems enjoying to be plant except one spot, my lavender. I felt sad to leave there. I thought, "maybe it's my ego to keep her there. Maybe she wants to be useful for other plants and going back to soil now. I wish to keep her place I can see but I know her job to be lavender is done. I know she is not alive. If I keep her any longer, I am not doing any good for her or ME.
So, I pulled gently saying Good-bye. And I brought her to the place where she belongs now. Now, she can be part of another living thing that's waiting to give a birth next.

Now, there is one bold spot in my garden. Every time I see the spot I remember my lavender. Even she is gone, I still see her there. But, now I know there is so much potential for the spot. As long as the lavender stays there, nothing will grow. In order to welcome something new, I have to let the other go. I have to let the one I am hanging on because I am scared to see what's coming up next. When I let it go, something beautiful thing comes out from there. Now I know it.

Is there such thing call enough time range for grieving? DSM IV says "1 year." But I disagree. No there is no time range. Does the length of relationship or dying situation effect grieving process? Yes, but no matter how well you prepared, no matter how short the relationship was still length of grieving is individual. We cannot calculate grieving length depend on these fact. Is there end of grieving? I am not sure.

Every time, you take in something new, something is dying. The new habit VS old habit, new future VS old future. And I am not just talking about people death. We are repeating dying and giving a birth process everyday. It hurts. It hurts especially when the process is obvious.
Grieving hurts, but it is not bad thing. Grieving is enlightening because it symbolize birth at the same time.

Every week I am torn between staying my school and quiting. I dedicated 10 years to study it, but maybe maybe I am just afraid to go through grieving process. I know something will give a birth when I finish this but should I wait another year or now?

What am i missing?

What makes good therapist-you are fully in the present moment while you are in the session
What makes good writer -you are fully in the present moment while you are writing
What makes good performer-you are fully in the present moment while are you performing
What makes good parents- you are fully in the present moment while you are playing with kids
Skill yes that is important but you cannot develop skill unless you know how to be fully in present moment. Skill without 100% in is like reading some existentialism book without trying to find your own understanding.
Whatever you pick to be, be fully in the moment. People notice that you are 100% in. You will feel alive, people will recognize you.
How can you achieve to be fully in the present moment in ? Well, that's people have been trying to figure out and the answer is there is no specific answer to that. You have to find your own way to focus to go into the 100% moment.

different kind of love

I was listening beautiful love song. Then, I thought, "wow how wonderful to be in love." like love is for someone else. I love many many people in my life. And I love them deeply not just saying like end of phone conversation. I really do love them. But, I don't know about romance.....I have no desire to be in love that way. I had a crush once and that was enough excitement for me. And now I feel I am good for another year without any feeling like that. what is the use of it? I love my son and my family dearly. I have busy a year ahead. I am very happy everything the way it is right now. I love changes, I love moving geographically, and emotionally. But the change is not welcome right now. why do people fall in love? I must know the answer 4 years ago. But now it seems impossible to find the answer. Even though someone gives answer, I probably don't understand what the person is talking about-I mean emotionally. Is the part of me actually dead? Or is it just sleeping? The answer is "I really don't mind not having the part of me. I actually love not being capable of falling in love."
I am just sad that I cannot write any passionate love letter to anyone. I love writing love letter and to be read because when you are in love, everything is great. The letter that is so cheesy to someone else is most beautiful letter to the lovers. You just don't care how you sounds like. The objective part of you is gone when you are writing it or when you are reading it.
How often can we be that blind? How often do we allow ourselves to be that blind? Besides, some of the most wonderful songs are so cheesy, so passionate and love song. But it touches your heart because love opens up your heart the part you always hide.
I think that's the part I miss not actual being with other human being. I heard the love song and I felt empty. I understand how beautiful the song is how transforming process the love can be. I thought, "oh I wish I can be that beautiful being without being love." I felt empty and I was sad that I felt okay being empty. I was very passionate person, seriously but I cannot recall how I used be, I don't know how I wrote all the love songs and love letters. Relationship was center of my life not because being with the person (well I did love them ) is the best thing ever but I loved how much I can learn about myself by being in the relationship. I love me more than the other or the relationship so I loved being relationship. I know I am narcissistic , I know it and it is very hard to convince anything to narcissistic person about him/her. Anyway, even from astrology chart, it says that I learn about myself, I explore myself most by being partnership. No wonder, every relationship I feel transformed and feel wiser. I have a good excuse. So where am I going.......sleeping in Seattle. the guy who lost wife year and half ago found love. The radio show host in the movie said, "a year and half! That's long time." something like that. But I don't think a year and half is not that long! 2 years is not enough in my case. Time is not relative to readiness to be in love again. Can I be creative again without being in love? Can I taste the sweetness/bitterness of relationship again? Can I feel something when I talk or write about my experience with other person? I feel like rock when i talk or write about past experience right now. And it's unfortunate because I loved the part of me. Will I be able to teach my son about love, if I don't know what is like anymore?
I don't feel urgent to tackle this issue or feeling of emptiness. But it just came up while I was listening the song. Does my love feel cold to people who I love? I think that's I most concern right now. I know the love I feel is not hot like fire, it's more like hot chocolate but it is real. I hope everyone feel it.

no misspelling!

Everyday I think about what to write, where to start. Then I don't actually start anything. I feel like I am a lazy person but actually more like I am scared.
I think about all kids of message-symbols, signs, childhood, love etc. Then, I said to myself, "no that's not what I really wanna say." But maybe I want to say all, they are all parts of me and nothing should be ignored. So pick one and start from there and write next and go on and on. I know it is easy to say but I think that's what I need to do. I got purple pen to prove it, too. I just need to find one message in each material and stick to it. And choose which one I want to write first. Okay, I will meditate today about this.

I am not lonely when I am with myself. I am not lonely when I am fully in the present moment. I wonder which will I choose to be lonely or to be in mess? My friend said to me, "I love you when you are in mess." I guess I look alive. Which will I choose to be alive or to be dead? Well, I choose to be alive. I am wearing pink robe my husband gave to me. At the time, I thought, "well I am not a pink person and I don't wear robe but I love him so I will keep it." When I was packing my stuff, I saw the robe again and I thought, "Well I am still not a pink person and I haven't wear this last 2 years......but I love him so I will take wherever I move." The robe was hanging my bathroom door for 7 month. I looked everyday and I thought, "this is kind of useless but I love him so I will leave it there." Winter came two days ago, and I thought, I could use this now. And, I actually love it. It's not only because my husband gave to me but because it is useful now. So, maybe all the things I think useless can be useful. It's just not their turn yet. I sometime say to me, "I am not sure if I am wasting my time by doing this. I could do this with the time I spend for this....." They could be my pink robe now.
If I really want something, i will do it no matter how hard it is. Even though there is no time, I will make a time. If I give up because of whatever I say to myself. Then, I am not committed enough to pursue it. I am just making up excuse by saying, "oh no time. Oh I am too tired." Yes, I know my energy is low now but that can be my pink robe too. So, I will keep on my pink robe and overcome this winter. At least today....at least now.

I was survival mood last week, and I forgot about how to connect with myself and with everything around me. Am I just lazy or what? My mood is very low. But I am excited about my new rollercoaster ride. Well, I am not lazy from outside, but I feel so lazy because I know what I want. I miss myself. I have been in and out myself many times. So I will be back hopefully soon. When I am out, I don't know how I write stuff I wrote before, how I wrote songs, how I was so woohoo place and not thinking all practical matter. When I am in, I forget all the worries. when I am out, I start to think everything takes forever, and endless. Then, I start to think hopeless because I do not know why I do things. I just look for all quick result and forget that journey is what I am here for. I can feel winter is coming because I can feel how my mood is different with 2 month ago.
I remember when I was child, I was envy kids who found something they are good at. I remember how happy i will be if I was good at drawing, building, math, running. What I was good at was writing and giving public speech at school. But it was not in the school subject. I felt it was very useless. I was good at day dreaming but it was considered as laziness. I wished to have some skill in testable field so it looks good on my report. I guess I feel sad today. When I am in good mood of course, I don't care how I felt in past. I am happy so I am happy. That's it! But right now, I think I am not sure. Will I ever come back?
What if I stay here forever? See anytime I start talking about what if, I am speaking about my fear and not actual reality. I would like to curl up on the bed and stay as long as I want. I am not patient person when it comes to my own growth so as long as I want is usually one day. yeah very short. I think I tried that before and I realized nothing will change even I do what I wanna do to run away from my feeling. Feelings stay no matter where I go. I wanted to start writing before winter because I know I will be very down soon. What am I going to do next? Okay I found what I wanna try next while I am still finishing up what I dreamed to do. But, how am I gonna do next one. Yeah, it was all magical last couple months but now I am back from magical place and on the ground.
continue after meditation

Today was the first day of the season that I smelled winter. I have seasonal depression. I figured out with my therapist couple years ago. Last year, I did not have depression because I was living in paradise, year before I was grieving not depressing. So, it has been while since I experienced seasonal depression. I will see how it goes this year. But today, I was actually very excited to smell winter. I don't know why. This is the third winter without him, and I am actually excited about going through this winter. Every winter was different since he past away. After many many airplane rides and many families and beds visit, finally we are here. I am happy to stay one place for a while until next airplane ride. Yesterday, I cried on the way back from school. I did not cry because I was sad, We read couple articles about love and health. Basically it all said, " loneliness kills us!"
I am very aware that I cannot live without other people's existence in my life. But I love to be alone. I noticed I feel transformation when I meet people who inspires me, or after I meet someone and I can dig more about myself. The person can be short term, long term, teacher, lover, friend, and relatives. It is not about what they said to me nor what we discussed. It is the relationship that we both created, and it is the air we shared. They help me to transform. I am a dreamer so I could be just dreaming and idealizing but who cares I felt that way and it changed. And that's the truth.
So, if that's true then, I care connection more than anything in this whole world, but I love to be alone. They say loneliness and alone is different. And I agree with it. However, being alone can bring some loneliness to me, if I am not careful. If I start thinking, "well I can take care of this, well nothing will change by telling my concern to my friends, what if they think I am wired".....so on.
They are all loneliness statement while I am alone. For me, I have to aware being alone is bringing be creativity, help focus, and bigger sense of connection. If not, then I am avoiding to be with people because I am scared of something.
So why did I cry on the way to my school? because I am so fortunate. I can say I am the most luckiest person in this whole universe. Why? Because I can feel that way.
"Fullhouse" style living is going on my life in SF. I have a family in SF, in Boston, in Maui, in Japan. I can count on each family in different situation. I know my family in SF will always try to help when I ask for help and when i don't ask help, and help me to stay positive. Even right this moment, I can get help by just going down stairs and talk about anything. Or I call one of my friend. They will listen until I stop talking. Then, I know I will feel connected to them. My family in Boston will help me anything I have concern. They are the one who helped me when I needed place to live, when I was the lowest point of my life-thinking how am I gonna live tomorrow? We are very different but I know how much they care about us. I realized caring manifest in different way. The only thing we need to do is to understand universal feelings and repeat fail to understand and communicate to understand. My family in Maui is the people who taught me when I feel happy. The welcoming community, without them my healing process took twice longer than it did. Every moment I spend with them was magical for me. I feel perfect in the island. Then, my family in Japan they love me not because I have their grandchild. They love me because they love me. I don't have to live close to them because I know how much they care about us without them telling me. I filled up their love over 20 years while I lived with them. I just talk to them on the web cam and my love fuel is recharged to full again. It's that easy for me.
I love being alone but not being lonely. I am awfully shy in the group. I have no idea how to chat with people at lunch table or in the classroom. But because it takes long time to start new real friendship for me, every relationship is precious for me. And, eventually they become my family.
I hope everyone I love can feel this deep love from me.

Is there anything I really wanna say? I am grateful to have my housemate as my friends and as my family. I appreciate not because we can exchange babysitter but because they are my support. Even though they could not help me in action, I would still be grateful to have them. I read today, people who do not have support or intimate relationship have high risk or hart attack. loneliness welcome disease and death. I imagine what if we were living just two of us.......it would be so hard to live everyday. Even just seeing my friends face and, knowing if some thing comes up, I can always count on them. That gives me such a relief. I have to tell them how much I appreciate their being more than their action. Originally, I said to myself, "my son need some form of family. So, I will try to live with my friends, I will try to go find his playmates." But the person who really needed friends was me. They are my support and because I have them I am can be a parent the way I believe it's good for my son.
I hear all the time and I believe it's true that San Francisco is a lonely place. Everybody is working hard, everybody has their own life. It is so hard to find people who you can connect and create deep friendship. But if you really want it, you will find. If you really value it, you will find people who feel same way.
Yeah, everybody is alone in this city because most people came from different state or country. That's why we can create our own definition of family. That's why we want family like community more than any other place in USA. So I picked here.

And

And, I do not worry if someone thinks I look too dramatic or I look sorry for myself. Because life can be short to worry how I look outside. I am happiest person on the earth because I have everything I dreamed and at the same time I chase my dream. Life can be too short to worry about everything that has not happen yet. I rather use the time to focus what I can offer to me, my son and to the universe. That’s why I am here for like everyone else too. So I am gonna just say what I tried not to say, call me dreamer, idealist, non-sense, or naïve because non of the statement can change who I am right now. I will still be happy like I am right now. I will still chase my dream or be idealist. Then, if I did not play safe enough, I will say, “Oh well but at least I live fully every moment of my life”

Being widow

Today I am gonna write about being widow. I have a problem disclosing about my husband when I meet new people. I was at my friend’s boy’s birthday party. After the party we went to back to their place with a few their friends. We were just chatting about future, career, health insurance, and so on. I find myself trying not to say that I lost my husband when we were talking about my school, choice of career because I do not want anybody to feel sorry for me. And I do not want anybody to stop talking whatever we are talking about. I want it to be NORMAL. Maybe I am thinking too much. Next time maybe I will be open, “Well I realized I try not to talk about that I lost my husband. I know I sounds so idealistic, dreamer, and just too young. But I realized when I lost him, my life can be as short as his or less. I realized even I believe in reincarnation, this is the only life I will most likely remember. I realized at least this life, I get to live the way I want as me and I am one of kind like you are. For a year and half, I was working so hard to stable everything around me that is visible like financial stuff, family, living situation. And I am glad that I did it because now I can peacefully focus what I really want to do with my life. I wanna be useful for both myself and here this world. I do not want to waist me. I try so hard not to mention about him but the truth is that everyday I live with him. Every lesson I learn from him is important part of me. Not mention what I learn from his life and death is like not introducing my name. I am very happy and everything perfect for him and me. I cannot ask anything better than now. But I still have to talk about him to tell what I believe in. I realized I am a dreamer and an idealist and that’s something I own like my eyes and nose. And I promised myself that I am not gonna act just because I think I should do or I am expected to do. I will rather chase my dream or explore my dream while I still act as responsible mother in my own definition. Because life can be short. The person who knows he/she is end of life and me have one common thing ‘we can die now.’ The only difference we have is that one is more aware of death and I am not. So that’s how I decided not to choose my vocation based on money. I know how much I need to live every month and I know I have that much money every month. If for some reason it stops, I still know how to survive. So, it fits my own definition of responsible mother. And rest of that I am going to look for my perfect vocation or create my own. It is very important for me. Anyway, that is why I am more dreamer than ever. And, even though I do not use my degree to get job, I still think it was very useful for me to survive past 2 years. I actually think sometime because I was destined to go though this experience so I went to my school. $30000 was not expensive for me comparing me becoming suicide.”
Maybe that’s what I will tell next time. There is part of me who wants to be understood. And there is a part of me who does not want people think that I feel sorry for myself or I have a good excuse to be dreamer. Dreamer part of me was always with me, it just emphasized by my experience. Do I sound sorry for myself? I don’t think so.

How am I gonna do this?

Trip was great but I am so happy to be back here. I could not concentrate following my signs while I was on the road. I feel I am off the track. I felt so good when I was here in August but now I am so nervous about everything. Am i gonna survive? How am I gonna find a way? Am I ready to write? Really? All the signs says YES! But I am not so confident about it. Well I decided to write when i come back from my vacation so I must do it. My auntie and I read destiny book of astrology and it said. "you have everything you need inside of me. All I need is stop daydreaming and satisfy but it, and make something so that people can benefit from your ideas and thoughts." I was daydreamer since I was little, I have no talent of drawing, math, sports anything that was in school subject but I was born to be daydream and it was proved by astrology. My mother used to say, "Stop daydreaming and do what you have to do." Her timing of telling me was just 20 some years off but I guess she was right. So I have to make something visual now. The only thing i can think of is writing. I have no passion of craft or visual art but I love writing and well I got white feather from my husband. It is a good reason to write.

Home sweet home

I am not sure where to call my home now. The place I live is in SF, my home country is Japan where I lived 20 years, and my soul's home is Maui. It is always painful to leave from my soul's hometown although right now I am a quest to find my true calling. Soul knows where is the best place for me to feel good. I have everything I need there, my friends, food, and ocean. The life is perfect when I llived there. I had no complain and I do not want to change anything. But I do not wanna feel complete right now, I do want to use whole my exist for the world. Everyone has a gift or gifts that is very useful for the world or universe. I have not found one, and until I find it I do not want to live my soul's hometown. I guess I am lucky to find my true home but I wish i had two bodies so then I can live both places. Well our trip is not over yet. We came home today and we are going to Boston tomorrow. So until next month, Sayonara to my computer.

I feel better

So, I am in Maui visiting my friends. Maui was the place I felt home for the first time in my life. So, I kind of expected to feel some kind of pull to go back and sadness of not living Maui.
Right before we left Maui, I was in the mood of looking for signs and symbols. I just began looking for it and understanding about it. Then, we left I thought "maybe I will see something huge in Maui." I had many expectations and hopes. We have been here for a week and here is what I found so far.
1, I do not want to live here right now. I thought once a while, "maybe we will come back for good after my school." But I don't feel like this is my place right now. Maybe when I am retired (well if there is such a thing in my life,) I will. I still feel like this is where I wanna die but right now I love San Francisco. Maui is too peaceful for me and I am not in process of intense healing any more. I am in the process of discovering my new horizon and finding out how to pursue it. I realized when I am here, I feel everything is perfect and I am so content. So, I don't try to dig myself deeper and I just start thinking like "I am okay just living everyday and growing some vegi," which is a beautiful life but not for me right now. I grow vegi in SF and I want more. I want a little bit more harshness and feeling alone.
2, I like to be alone a lot. I like having my time. I realized I like people, meeting people, spending time with people but I love my alone time. That's the time when I channel all my energy to one thing and finding new lesson or realization. When I have couple hours by myself, I have better focus on my son than when I spend with him all day everyday.
3, babysitter is not my calling. I do not love the job as vocation. I think I do not work just for money, I will concentrate what I love.
So this is what I found and I feel so strange to find these in the place I love most and I feel home. How can I not want to live the place I feel home? Well, it is not my time yet. Between two kids and lack of sleep, I have been thinking what I wanna write when I go back to my home. One thing I am thinking is short stories based on my experience but in symbolic way. I only keep the symbols. I do not want to write memoir or true story. I wanna write what signs or symbol means to me. I don't know. I don't know where is the beginning yet.All I know is I am so looking forward to go back home and start writing even just stream of consciousness. We have 5 more days here then, we visit Boston for my husband's 2nd anniversary. Then, we will be home in October. I cannot wait to be home and starting daily routine. This is so strange to me. As you know, I am a gypsy and I love trips more than anything in the whole world. But at this time of my life, I love to be home and do my routine. I still get excited the idea of trip and going to an airport, and I cannot help it, but I am so ready to start writing. Well, I am contradicting-I have no idea where to start and I do not really know what to write but I wanna start writing. And when I start I do not want to stop (I mean I wanna write every night after my son goes to bed.) I cannot start somewhere that I cannot guarantee to have every night time like on the trip. I think Steve gave me a pen to show I am ready to write. And I feel some bubble inside of me wanting to come out.

I cannot think

I cannot think what to write. I feel like I am not good parents. Why am I negative about my life all the sudden? I am in Paradise right now. I miss my own time, and I feel bad feeling it. The cloth does not fit anymore when you grow out of it. Why can I listen my son more carefully? I love this place, and I would like to die here. But it's just not the place to live right now. I see my little son and think, "one day I won't be able to carry him." Then, I felt, "Am I spending time with him the way I want? The way I don't regret?" This little boy, how did he got so big, so smart, and so happy? Was it overnight thing? I am so tired so I need to take a nap or sleep late. Am I missing all the action with him? Am I not doing enough? I want to meditate but on this strip so my mind will be clear for him, but I have no time to do that in here so far. I love traveling but right now I love my home in SF. I really feel that's the place I want to be. That's the place I find myself again, my calling to be........support, my way of love. I guess I am homesick right now. No way how can I be! I am in the paradise.

This is my home

This is my home. How Could I leave here? I have everything I want except adventure and alone. If I wanna feel love, I can always come back here. If I wanna feel kindness, I can always come back here. I feel very good to be here. We moved around so much. Now, I have a tendency that after two days I do not feel like I am on vacation. I feel like I have been living the place for long time and never had any of experience I had in past three years. What am I really? How do I know if this is reality or dream? How do I know I am me and not someones body? How do I know I am experiencing my life? How do I know I am not alone and there are so many human being in this planet? How do I know what I say can be useful or harmful for someone else? Why do I feel so peaceful when I am here? Why do I feel everything is magical and wonderful when I am here? Am I in Utopia? So, that's why I need to leave? This is a dangerous place for me right now because I do not have any creativity craving. I just want live everyday like this. No challenge, or no asking myself questions.

Purple pen cont'

It was not dead yet. I used today and it was working. It is almost dead but not yet. I received crystal from my therapist today. Today was closure day. I felt good about ending. I learned so much from her.
I think I have better idea of what i wanna write but until I start there is nothing. I have billion thoughts that I do not express. so until I start actually writing it is nothing. But today was first day, I felt, "oh I can start like this and bring to the one message I really wanna share with people. I can write every incident very clearly and carefully."
so I am feeling closer.

Purple pen

I went to book store hoping I can find today's sign (I know I should not expect or try to grab it but I did.) I looked Astrology book but I needed to go bathroom. I tried to hold it but I could not. So, I left the bookstore.......I went to Golden gate park because they have public bathroom. After that I did not have much time left before I pick up my son. I decided to walk in botanical garden. I went to sit down the bench where I always eat lunch and meditate. I got there, and there is a sharp object on the bench. At first, I thought it was needle. I was like, ' oh, no." But then I went closer, and it was purple pen. I sat next to the pen and talk to Steve. " How did you know I am into purple right now? I just got new water bottle and it is purple. Do you want me to write? Now? but I still don't know what to write though."
I put my pen next to the purple one so in case someone come get the pen I can leave mine. I took the purple pen and write about this sign on my memo. Then the pen died. "Is this mean I should not write yet? I'm confused!" I took my pen and purple pen both. I placed my purple pen next to another symbols. I don't exactly know what this mean, we will see.
Another sign purple pen.

Lesson of the day

So, I am crazy about looking for signs. I remember Joe told me he got his Ukulele at ghirardelli square so we went there. I thought, "maybe I will see next sign at the store." We looked and looked around but we could not find the store. I said to myself, "the sign is not something you try to go get it. It is something coming to me and all I have to do is to pay attention around me and inside of me."
So, I learned not to expect to get signs and not to force myself to find signs.
However, paying attention to the signs is a great meditation because I now pay attention to everything around me and my inside as well. I am more aware of who is around, smell, buildings, voice, and my thoughts. And in order to pay attention every moment requires not to stack in one thoughts. I have to constantly moving with flow. I remember more what I did and how I felt.
I came back to home and there is email from my friend from Maui. They have Ukulele that I can borrow while we stay with them. So, I did not need to hurry buying Ukulele!

today's sign

So, we were on the way back to my friend's house. The music he had on was perfect for the scenery. I expressed about it and we all agreed. Then, I said, "I'd like to learn how to play Ukulele!" out of no where. Well, I was thinking about Maui visit and I thought how easy to take Ukulele rather than taking guitar. So I said. Then Joe said, "oh I bought Ukulele in San Francisco the place you got this CD, Ale!" Then Ale said, "oh yeah that's right."
So, we were listening the CD the place Joe got Ukulele, and I want to buy a Ukulele to learn. This is something......I have no idea what this means but this is interesting. So I decided this is some kind of sign. Is it about Ukulele or going to the store? Or something else? Is this gonna direct me to write? We will see.

Today's sign,

So, I was on the way to my home. I saw a psychic "open" sign. So, I looked, and I tried to get in but the door was locked so I said, "hey I was not meant to be here. This was not the sign of the day!" Then, I took BART back home. I sat down next to a guy who looked very clean. I kept eating raspberry chocolate next to clean guy. "I hope he does not mind," I thought. A couple came in the train. They reminded of me when I was in community college in Wyoming. They looked very happy. The boy smelled a little bit when he passed by but I kept looking at them. They each grabbed snack and book from backpack. for some reason, I still kept looking at them.
The girl looked upset by the book. I looked at the boy and he was into his book. I looked at cover of his book. I thought, "it looks very familiar......looks like the alchemist by Paulo Coelho.....no way. I was just thinking about it two days ago when I was talking to Steve about white feather."
Then, I looked carefully. It was the book and same one I have. Maybe, it is not so wired since the book has been sold more than 3 million copies but I am still freaked out. I was just thinking about following my dream, and white feather. I just saw my white feather two days ago. Then, now the book! The book is symbol of following your dream, your calling to me. It looks still sign to me! So let's summarize all the signs for far.
Astrologer, astrology report of vacation, MBTI all tells me same thing.
My dream about tiny baby girl
White feather
new Suits( I am not sure when I will need this one yet but I believe this is some kind of symbol)
the actual book
what's next?
I am excited!

I am just gonna go crazy about little signs!

I do not care how crazy I become as long as I am a good mother for my son! So, I am just gonna focus on little signs where to look for what to write. And other signs for something (maybe not always relate to vocation.)
Anyway, I was at my friend's house. I told story about white feather. She did not think I was nuts! But she understood what I was trying to say. She said, "You shold do it. I told you before you will be good at it." We had really good time, and kids had great time together. Then, right before I leave, she said, "oh, I have a suits that I don't need. I don't wear but it's very nice one. Do you wanna have it?" I said, "well, I don't know if I need it but, I love it so let me try on." I tried it was perfect fit for me. I felt like Cinderella! So I said, "Wow, this fits very good and that's so rare that the cloth fit on me without tailoring. So, I will take it."
On the way back to home, I was thinking about sign-what kind of sign did I notice? What was so unforgettable today? I believe everything is sign for something. But I am looking for some particular one right now, alright. Then, I thought "Suits!" Maybe I need this suits sometime somewhere...............we will see we will see
This is so exciting to pay attention everyday thing.

I saw a white feather

I was driving to my school. The traffic was pretty bad due to fire at treasure island. I decided to have a talk with my husband. I said, " I really wanna know writing is my vocation. Every single signs I saw over the last 2 month said that it is. And the day I said "okay, I am gonna be writer but I don't know what kind, and how. All I know is that it was always what I loved most. And, but I am not so confident about it. I wish you can give me some sign you know. don't give me some car crash right now. something more pleasant way. Like Paulo Coelho's example. He saw a white feather before he started writing. I mean not literary you have to give me a white feather but you know something that clear sign."
10 minutes later, right before the bay bridge, the white feather flew from somewhere and touched on my car windshield. Then, it flew away. It was tiny but it was white! I could not grasp what just happened until it flew away. Then, I said "white feather!" I still kept driving but I could not believe what he just did for me.
Then, I said to him, "You know you are awfully nice to me." I kept talking to him until I got to my school.
It was the second time I asked something very important question to him. First time was moving to Maui. Of course, when I asked, he did answer so clearly. So, we moved to Maui and it was the best time of my life. I was shaking after the experience. So I did not think it was unusual that he showed me white feather but I was surprised how fast he answered my question. well, he was not patient person even when he was alive.
I do not repeat about what happened to him or old memories about him so much but I think about him everyday. I include him to my dream and our son's future everyday. I have a conversation about that everyday with him. I realized his physical body is gone but he became part of who I am. I have him in me, everyday and all the time. Actually, his existence is becoming stronger and stronger after his death. I was happy to see him listening me and answered my question but more than anything I felt so good that I can take him to my journey.

When I lost

Everything has a beginning and ending. When I am not so sure where I am going, I wish to know the beginning and ending. When I am not sure where I am going but still enjoy where I am, I do not care about beginning and ending. And, often times when I enjoy where I am, I notice the beginning and I can vision the ending. So, this is how I assess my happiness. There are many other ways I do but today I felt like writing this for me. So, I can encourage myself who is a little confused and feeling lost.

Something new

I need something new. I need to do something new and something to reach my next stage. But I don't know what and how right now. I don't even know what kind of stage I am looking for. Lately, I have dreams of famous people. I meet them and become friend with them. I wonder what is the symbol of famous people to me. What kind of thought do I have about famous people? Why am I close to them in the dream. Dream you do not take anything laterally. It is almost all metaphor, well at least for me yes. I will not have a time to think about this for a week until I finish my school. I am still questioning about my school. If it starts killing me, then i have to take some action. Maybe I am just procrastinating. The time will tell. I hope to find out something new that I wanna do. I don't mean something original, I just wanna do something I have not tried which is a lot. I am not good at waiting.

Almost Maui

Another in two weeks, we will be in Maui, again! Oh, my home my home. I wonder what is gonna change in two weeks.....I wonder what is gonna change in a month two month and three month.........I start see changes on three month after I make decision. The decision can be something internal or obvious. So I made a change about 2 month ago. Will I see something out there? Or this time am I gonna just keep changing internally for a while. There are so many signs that brings me to different direction since two month ago. So I know something is changing around me, I just don't see it right now. How exciting is this!
Well, I am so sleepy because I stayed up until 4am last night try to finish so I wanna go to sleep. Bed and dream sounds so good right now. I wonder if I can continue this double life style for another year. I know so many people do but according to astrology it is not for me.
sleep

To be open means

To be open means to take a risk
To be open means to let fear come inside of you but not controlled by it
To be open means to be okay to be controlled by fear
To be open means to expect everything but not one thing
To be open means to be completely vulnerable
To be open means to have some guard for some exception
To be open means to be teased, to be rejected, to be ashamed, to make mistake
To be open means to say yes to all
To be open means to love of your feeling and emotion
To be open means to value thinking, and feeling
To be open means to trust everything is gonna work out the way it supposed to
To be open means to spell proudly oepn
To be open means to stop here and not force myself to keep go on writing sentence start from "To be open means"
To be open means.........let everyone join to continue writing about what means to be open for each one of you

MBTI

So, the result came back. It was just for class but I took seriously. Right now, I need anything to figure out the path I began to take is right path. I did astrology readings both in person and just vocation part on computer. Both said, I will go writing, media, or some form of art/creativity, but not so much therapy. So I was curious how MBTI which is based on Jungian theory but still consider western theory. I wanted to see if there is any similarity between astrology and MBTI said. And there it was. Same thing they said about me. I should go in media or writing that I can show creativity. It is just too wired because it has been two month since I changed my path to the direction. I am not exactly sure what kind of writing I wanna do but still that's the direction. But of course, I have so much fear changing my path. Well, in my head I changed, from outside not. Anyway, then I saw the dream and all three things that I seek for advise said same thing. So that's why sired three thing pushes in three month. I wish to know how this is heading but at the same time I think, this is the most fun time of my life. Just figuring out, trying things out, wondering , and full of freedom and possibility.

How will I see this 10 years from now

My friend said, "I am telling this story to encourage you to keep going for Therapy field. When you listen me, I know you are really listening." If this was a few month ago, I would be very encouraged and flattered, but now I am not sure what to do." I was very touched by her story and inspired by it. No question, I saw her more beautiful than she was before. The whole world around me disappeared when I was listening. All I wanted was to hear her, really hear. I love the feeling...when I can concentrate one thing-dialog. This is the moment I feel so connected to me and other. This is the moment I see the other person as such a beautiful person. This is the essence I love about therapy. I could be good one. But will I be the best one? I had no doubt when I decided this is not gonna be my vocation. Vocation means calling. But if I do not become therapist, will I miss out all the beauty in human being? when I think about it, I feel so selfish and inappropriate as a therapist. But, I always see what I love not how I can help others. I guess I am selfish and that's my good and bad quality.

One day this will be meaningful

I am writing this for future me. Right now, I am nobody for myself. I am a baby who came out near death. But I was saved. I did not know what to do about baby me, because if I survive, it means that loooong journey will start. Something that is so new, unknown, unplanned, and so exciting. and if I die, it means my dream dies. I came out so weak and so small but I was saved. And tell you the truth, I did not want to me to die. As much as I was scared to raise myself, I wished not to be gone. This is a hard road to go through but I did my first step to accept birth of me. She is weak, she is small, she is almost invisible but she is there. I cannot ignore her, she is my child. I am using this blog to write my growth chart. One day it will all come together, I know well, I have to trust. My dream, my intuition, my astrology chart. This is a fun experiment and one day all parts of me and random writing of mine in this massive web will come together.
I decided to pursue this when I had my baby dream. I am not quite sure what kind of writing I want to do so instead of choosing one kind, I decided to do all kind of experiment on the Internet. Maybe I will know what I need to write. Writing is what I loved since I was child. I have more challenge now. I am Japanese. I know my English is not good but I cannot express what I want to express in Japanese. So, I accept how bad my grammar is and still write.
I love my new born child. She is nobody for anybody but so precious to me. One day someone will see this besides me.