Today was the first day of the season that I smelled winter. I have seasonal depression. I figured out with my therapist couple years ago. Last year, I did not have depression because I was living in paradise, year before I was grieving not depressing. So, it has been while since I experienced seasonal depression. I will see how it goes this year. But today, I was actually very excited to smell winter. I don't know why. This is the third winter without him, and I am actually excited about going through this winter. Every winter was different since he past away. After many many airplane rides and many families and beds visit, finally we are here. I am happy to stay one place for a while until next airplane ride. Yesterday, I cried on the way back from school. I did not cry because I was sad, We read couple articles about love and health. Basically it all said, " loneliness kills us!"
I am very aware that I cannot live without other people's existence in my life. But I love to be alone. I noticed I feel transformation when I meet people who inspires me, or after I meet someone and I can dig more about myself. The person can be short term, long term, teacher, lover, friend, and relatives. It is not about what they said to me nor what we discussed. It is the relationship that we both created, and it is the air we shared. They help me to transform. I am a dreamer so I could be just dreaming and idealizing but who cares I felt that way and it changed. And that's the truth.
So, if that's true then, I care connection more than anything in this whole world, but I love to be alone. They say loneliness and alone is different. And I agree with it. However, being alone can bring some loneliness to me, if I am not careful. If I start thinking, "well I can take care of this, well nothing will change by telling my concern to my friends, what if they think I am wired".....so on.
They are all loneliness statement while I am alone. For me, I have to aware being alone is bringing be creativity, help focus, and bigger sense of connection. If not, then I am avoiding to be with people because I am scared of something.
So why did I cry on the way to my school? because I am so fortunate. I can say I am the most luckiest person in this whole universe. Why? Because I can feel that way.
"Fullhouse" style living is going on my life in SF. I have a family in SF, in Boston, in Maui, in Japan. I can count on each family in different situation. I know my family in SF will always try to help when I ask for help and when i don't ask help, and help me to stay positive. Even right this moment, I can get help by just going down stairs and talk about anything. Or I call one of my friend. They will listen until I stop talking. Then, I know I will feel connected to them. My family in Boston will help me anything I have concern. They are the one who helped me when I needed place to live, when I was the lowest point of my life-thinking how am I gonna live tomorrow? We are very different but I know how much they care about us. I realized caring manifest in different way. The only thing we need to do is to understand universal feelings and repeat fail to understand and communicate to understand. My family in Maui is the people who taught me when I feel happy. The welcoming community, without them my healing process took twice longer than it did. Every moment I spend with them was magical for me. I feel perfect in the island. Then, my family in Japan they love me not because I have their grandchild. They love me because they love me. I don't have to live close to them because I know how much they care about us without them telling me. I filled up their love over 20 years while I lived with them. I just talk to them on the web cam and my love fuel is recharged to full again. It's that easy for me.
I love being alone but not being lonely. I am awfully shy in the group. I have no idea how to chat with people at lunch table or in the classroom. But because it takes long time to start new real friendship for me, every relationship is precious for me. And, eventually they become my family.
I hope everyone I love can feel this deep love from me.