Being widow

Today I am gonna write about being widow. I have a problem disclosing about my husband when I meet new people. I was at my friend’s boy’s birthday party. After the party we went to back to their place with a few their friends. We were just chatting about future, career, health insurance, and so on. I find myself trying not to say that I lost my husband when we were talking about my school, choice of career because I do not want anybody to feel sorry for me. And I do not want anybody to stop talking whatever we are talking about. I want it to be NORMAL. Maybe I am thinking too much. Next time maybe I will be open, “Well I realized I try not to talk about that I lost my husband. I know I sounds so idealistic, dreamer, and just too young. But I realized when I lost him, my life can be as short as his or less. I realized even I believe in reincarnation, this is the only life I will most likely remember. I realized at least this life, I get to live the way I want as me and I am one of kind like you are. For a year and half, I was working so hard to stable everything around me that is visible like financial stuff, family, living situation. And I am glad that I did it because now I can peacefully focus what I really want to do with my life. I wanna be useful for both myself and here this world. I do not want to waist me. I try so hard not to mention about him but the truth is that everyday I live with him. Every lesson I learn from him is important part of me. Not mention what I learn from his life and death is like not introducing my name. I am very happy and everything perfect for him and me. I cannot ask anything better than now. But I still have to talk about him to tell what I believe in. I realized I am a dreamer and an idealist and that’s something I own like my eyes and nose. And I promised myself that I am not gonna act just because I think I should do or I am expected to do. I will rather chase my dream or explore my dream while I still act as responsible mother in my own definition. Because life can be short. The person who knows he/she is end of life and me have one common thing ‘we can die now.’ The only difference we have is that one is more aware of death and I am not. So that’s how I decided not to choose my vocation based on money. I know how much I need to live every month and I know I have that much money every month. If for some reason it stops, I still know how to survive. So, it fits my own definition of responsible mother. And rest of that I am going to look for my perfect vocation or create my own. It is very important for me. Anyway, that is why I am more dreamer than ever. And, even though I do not use my degree to get job, I still think it was very useful for me to survive past 2 years. I actually think sometime because I was destined to go though this experience so I went to my school. $30000 was not expensive for me comparing me becoming suicide.”
Maybe that’s what I will tell next time. There is part of me who wants to be understood. And there is a part of me who does not want people think that I feel sorry for myself or I have a good excuse to be dreamer. Dreamer part of me was always with me, it just emphasized by my experience. Do I sound sorry for myself? I don’t think so.