today's sign

So, we were on the way back to my friend's house. The music he had on was perfect for the scenery. I expressed about it and we all agreed. Then, I said, "I'd like to learn how to play Ukulele!" out of no where. Well, I was thinking about Maui visit and I thought how easy to take Ukulele rather than taking guitar. So I said. Then Joe said, "oh I bought Ukulele in San Francisco the place you got this CD, Ale!" Then Ale said, "oh yeah that's right."
So, we were listening the CD the place Joe got Ukulele, and I want to buy a Ukulele to learn. This is something......I have no idea what this means but this is interesting. So I decided this is some kind of sign. Is it about Ukulele or going to the store? Or something else? Is this gonna direct me to write? We will see.

Today's sign,

So, I was on the way to my home. I saw a psychic "open" sign. So, I looked, and I tried to get in but the door was locked so I said, "hey I was not meant to be here. This was not the sign of the day!" Then, I took BART back home. I sat down next to a guy who looked very clean. I kept eating raspberry chocolate next to clean guy. "I hope he does not mind," I thought. A couple came in the train. They reminded of me when I was in community college in Wyoming. They looked very happy. The boy smelled a little bit when he passed by but I kept looking at them. They each grabbed snack and book from backpack. for some reason, I still kept looking at them.
The girl looked upset by the book. I looked at the boy and he was into his book. I looked at cover of his book. I thought, "it looks very familiar......looks like the alchemist by Paulo Coelho.....no way. I was just thinking about it two days ago when I was talking to Steve about white feather."
Then, I looked carefully. It was the book and same one I have. Maybe, it is not so wired since the book has been sold more than 3 million copies but I am still freaked out. I was just thinking about following my dream, and white feather. I just saw my white feather two days ago. Then, now the book! The book is symbol of following your dream, your calling to me. It looks still sign to me! So let's summarize all the signs for far.
Astrologer, astrology report of vacation, MBTI all tells me same thing.
My dream about tiny baby girl
White feather
new Suits( I am not sure when I will need this one yet but I believe this is some kind of symbol)
the actual book
what's next?
I am excited!

I am just gonna go crazy about little signs!

I do not care how crazy I become as long as I am a good mother for my son! So, I am just gonna focus on little signs where to look for what to write. And other signs for something (maybe not always relate to vocation.)
Anyway, I was at my friend's house. I told story about white feather. She did not think I was nuts! But she understood what I was trying to say. She said, "You shold do it. I told you before you will be good at it." We had really good time, and kids had great time together. Then, right before I leave, she said, "oh, I have a suits that I don't need. I don't wear but it's very nice one. Do you wanna have it?" I said, "well, I don't know if I need it but, I love it so let me try on." I tried it was perfect fit for me. I felt like Cinderella! So I said, "Wow, this fits very good and that's so rare that the cloth fit on me without tailoring. So, I will take it."
On the way back to home, I was thinking about sign-what kind of sign did I notice? What was so unforgettable today? I believe everything is sign for something. But I am looking for some particular one right now, alright. Then, I thought "Suits!" Maybe I need this suits sometime somewhere...............we will see we will see
This is so exciting to pay attention everyday thing.

I saw a white feather

I was driving to my school. The traffic was pretty bad due to fire at treasure island. I decided to have a talk with my husband. I said, " I really wanna know writing is my vocation. Every single signs I saw over the last 2 month said that it is. And the day I said "okay, I am gonna be writer but I don't know what kind, and how. All I know is that it was always what I loved most. And, but I am not so confident about it. I wish you can give me some sign you know. don't give me some car crash right now. something more pleasant way. Like Paulo Coelho's example. He saw a white feather before he started writing. I mean not literary you have to give me a white feather but you know something that clear sign."
10 minutes later, right before the bay bridge, the white feather flew from somewhere and touched on my car windshield. Then, it flew away. It was tiny but it was white! I could not grasp what just happened until it flew away. Then, I said "white feather!" I still kept driving but I could not believe what he just did for me.
Then, I said to him, "You know you are awfully nice to me." I kept talking to him until I got to my school.
It was the second time I asked something very important question to him. First time was moving to Maui. Of course, when I asked, he did answer so clearly. So, we moved to Maui and it was the best time of my life. I was shaking after the experience. So I did not think it was unusual that he showed me white feather but I was surprised how fast he answered my question. well, he was not patient person even when he was alive.
I do not repeat about what happened to him or old memories about him so much but I think about him everyday. I include him to my dream and our son's future everyday. I have a conversation about that everyday with him. I realized his physical body is gone but he became part of who I am. I have him in me, everyday and all the time. Actually, his existence is becoming stronger and stronger after his death. I was happy to see him listening me and answered my question but more than anything I felt so good that I can take him to my journey.

When I lost

Everything has a beginning and ending. When I am not so sure where I am going, I wish to know the beginning and ending. When I am not sure where I am going but still enjoy where I am, I do not care about beginning and ending. And, often times when I enjoy where I am, I notice the beginning and I can vision the ending. So, this is how I assess my happiness. There are many other ways I do but today I felt like writing this for me. So, I can encourage myself who is a little confused and feeling lost.

Something new

I need something new. I need to do something new and something to reach my next stage. But I don't know what and how right now. I don't even know what kind of stage I am looking for. Lately, I have dreams of famous people. I meet them and become friend with them. I wonder what is the symbol of famous people to me. What kind of thought do I have about famous people? Why am I close to them in the dream. Dream you do not take anything laterally. It is almost all metaphor, well at least for me yes. I will not have a time to think about this for a week until I finish my school. I am still questioning about my school. If it starts killing me, then i have to take some action. Maybe I am just procrastinating. The time will tell. I hope to find out something new that I wanna do. I don't mean something original, I just wanna do something I have not tried which is a lot. I am not good at waiting.

Almost Maui

Another in two weeks, we will be in Maui, again! Oh, my home my home. I wonder what is gonna change in two weeks.....I wonder what is gonna change in a month two month and three month.........I start see changes on three month after I make decision. The decision can be something internal or obvious. So I made a change about 2 month ago. Will I see something out there? Or this time am I gonna just keep changing internally for a while. There are so many signs that brings me to different direction since two month ago. So I know something is changing around me, I just don't see it right now. How exciting is this!
Well, I am so sleepy because I stayed up until 4am last night try to finish so I wanna go to sleep. Bed and dream sounds so good right now. I wonder if I can continue this double life style for another year. I know so many people do but according to astrology it is not for me.
sleep

To be open means

To be open means to take a risk
To be open means to let fear come inside of you but not controlled by it
To be open means to be okay to be controlled by fear
To be open means to expect everything but not one thing
To be open means to be completely vulnerable
To be open means to have some guard for some exception
To be open means to be teased, to be rejected, to be ashamed, to make mistake
To be open means to say yes to all
To be open means to love of your feeling and emotion
To be open means to value thinking, and feeling
To be open means to trust everything is gonna work out the way it supposed to
To be open means to spell proudly oepn
To be open means to stop here and not force myself to keep go on writing sentence start from "To be open means"
To be open means.........let everyone join to continue writing about what means to be open for each one of you

MBTI

So, the result came back. It was just for class but I took seriously. Right now, I need anything to figure out the path I began to take is right path. I did astrology readings both in person and just vocation part on computer. Both said, I will go writing, media, or some form of art/creativity, but not so much therapy. So I was curious how MBTI which is based on Jungian theory but still consider western theory. I wanted to see if there is any similarity between astrology and MBTI said. And there it was. Same thing they said about me. I should go in media or writing that I can show creativity. It is just too wired because it has been two month since I changed my path to the direction. I am not exactly sure what kind of writing I wanna do but still that's the direction. But of course, I have so much fear changing my path. Well, in my head I changed, from outside not. Anyway, then I saw the dream and all three things that I seek for advise said same thing. So that's why sired three thing pushes in three month. I wish to know how this is heading but at the same time I think, this is the most fun time of my life. Just figuring out, trying things out, wondering , and full of freedom and possibility.

How will I see this 10 years from now

My friend said, "I am telling this story to encourage you to keep going for Therapy field. When you listen me, I know you are really listening." If this was a few month ago, I would be very encouraged and flattered, but now I am not sure what to do." I was very touched by her story and inspired by it. No question, I saw her more beautiful than she was before. The whole world around me disappeared when I was listening. All I wanted was to hear her, really hear. I love the feeling...when I can concentrate one thing-dialog. This is the moment I feel so connected to me and other. This is the moment I see the other person as such a beautiful person. This is the essence I love about therapy. I could be good one. But will I be the best one? I had no doubt when I decided this is not gonna be my vocation. Vocation means calling. But if I do not become therapist, will I miss out all the beauty in human being? when I think about it, I feel so selfish and inappropriate as a therapist. But, I always see what I love not how I can help others. I guess I am selfish and that's my good and bad quality.

One day this will be meaningful

I am writing this for future me. Right now, I am nobody for myself. I am a baby who came out near death. But I was saved. I did not know what to do about baby me, because if I survive, it means that loooong journey will start. Something that is so new, unknown, unplanned, and so exciting. and if I die, it means my dream dies. I came out so weak and so small but I was saved. And tell you the truth, I did not want to me to die. As much as I was scared to raise myself, I wished not to be gone. This is a hard road to go through but I did my first step to accept birth of me. She is weak, she is small, she is almost invisible but she is there. I cannot ignore her, she is my child. I am using this blog to write my growth chart. One day it will all come together, I know well, I have to trust. My dream, my intuition, my astrology chart. This is a fun experiment and one day all parts of me and random writing of mine in this massive web will come together.
I decided to pursue this when I had my baby dream. I am not quite sure what kind of writing I want to do so instead of choosing one kind, I decided to do all kind of experiment on the Internet. Maybe I will know what I need to write. Writing is what I loved since I was child. I have more challenge now. I am Japanese. I know my English is not good but I cannot express what I want to express in Japanese. So, I accept how bad my grammar is and still write.
I love my new born child. She is nobody for anybody but so precious to me. One day someone will see this besides me.