Home sweet home

I am not sure where to call my home now. The place I live is in SF, my home country is Japan where I lived 20 years, and my soul's home is Maui. It is always painful to leave from my soul's hometown although right now I am a quest to find my true calling. Soul knows where is the best place for me to feel good. I have everything I need there, my friends, food, and ocean. The life is perfect when I llived there. I had no complain and I do not want to change anything. But I do not wanna feel complete right now, I do want to use whole my exist for the world. Everyone has a gift or gifts that is very useful for the world or universe. I have not found one, and until I find it I do not want to live my soul's hometown. I guess I am lucky to find my true home but I wish i had two bodies so then I can live both places. Well our trip is not over yet. We came home today and we are going to Boston tomorrow. So until next month, Sayonara to my computer.

I feel better

So, I am in Maui visiting my friends. Maui was the place I felt home for the first time in my life. So, I kind of expected to feel some kind of pull to go back and sadness of not living Maui.
Right before we left Maui, I was in the mood of looking for signs and symbols. I just began looking for it and understanding about it. Then, we left I thought "maybe I will see something huge in Maui." I had many expectations and hopes. We have been here for a week and here is what I found so far.
1, I do not want to live here right now. I thought once a while, "maybe we will come back for good after my school." But I don't feel like this is my place right now. Maybe when I am retired (well if there is such a thing in my life,) I will. I still feel like this is where I wanna die but right now I love San Francisco. Maui is too peaceful for me and I am not in process of intense healing any more. I am in the process of discovering my new horizon and finding out how to pursue it. I realized when I am here, I feel everything is perfect and I am so content. So, I don't try to dig myself deeper and I just start thinking like "I am okay just living everyday and growing some vegi," which is a beautiful life but not for me right now. I grow vegi in SF and I want more. I want a little bit more harshness and feeling alone.
2, I like to be alone a lot. I like having my time. I realized I like people, meeting people, spending time with people but I love my alone time. That's the time when I channel all my energy to one thing and finding new lesson or realization. When I have couple hours by myself, I have better focus on my son than when I spend with him all day everyday.
3, babysitter is not my calling. I do not love the job as vocation. I think I do not work just for money, I will concentrate what I love.
So this is what I found and I feel so strange to find these in the place I love most and I feel home. How can I not want to live the place I feel home? Well, it is not my time yet. Between two kids and lack of sleep, I have been thinking what I wanna write when I go back to my home. One thing I am thinking is short stories based on my experience but in symbolic way. I only keep the symbols. I do not want to write memoir or true story. I wanna write what signs or symbol means to me. I don't know. I don't know where is the beginning yet.All I know is I am so looking forward to go back home and start writing even just stream of consciousness. We have 5 more days here then, we visit Boston for my husband's 2nd anniversary. Then, we will be home in October. I cannot wait to be home and starting daily routine. This is so strange to me. As you know, I am a gypsy and I love trips more than anything in the whole world. But at this time of my life, I love to be home and do my routine. I still get excited the idea of trip and going to an airport, and I cannot help it, but I am so ready to start writing. Well, I am contradicting-I have no idea where to start and I do not really know what to write but I wanna start writing. And when I start I do not want to stop (I mean I wanna write every night after my son goes to bed.) I cannot start somewhere that I cannot guarantee to have every night time like on the trip. I think Steve gave me a pen to show I am ready to write. And I feel some bubble inside of me wanting to come out.

I cannot think

I cannot think what to write. I feel like I am not good parents. Why am I negative about my life all the sudden? I am in Paradise right now. I miss my own time, and I feel bad feeling it. The cloth does not fit anymore when you grow out of it. Why can I listen my son more carefully? I love this place, and I would like to die here. But it's just not the place to live right now. I see my little son and think, "one day I won't be able to carry him." Then, I felt, "Am I spending time with him the way I want? The way I don't regret?" This little boy, how did he got so big, so smart, and so happy? Was it overnight thing? I am so tired so I need to take a nap or sleep late. Am I missing all the action with him? Am I not doing enough? I want to meditate but on this strip so my mind will be clear for him, but I have no time to do that in here so far. I love traveling but right now I love my home in SF. I really feel that's the place I want to be. That's the place I find myself again, my calling to be........support, my way of love. I guess I am homesick right now. No way how can I be! I am in the paradise.

This is my home

This is my home. How Could I leave here? I have everything I want except adventure and alone. If I wanna feel love, I can always come back here. If I wanna feel kindness, I can always come back here. I feel very good to be here. We moved around so much. Now, I have a tendency that after two days I do not feel like I am on vacation. I feel like I have been living the place for long time and never had any of experience I had in past three years. What am I really? How do I know if this is reality or dream? How do I know I am me and not someones body? How do I know I am experiencing my life? How do I know I am not alone and there are so many human being in this planet? How do I know what I say can be useful or harmful for someone else? Why do I feel so peaceful when I am here? Why do I feel everything is magical and wonderful when I am here? Am I in Utopia? So, that's why I need to leave? This is a dangerous place for me right now because I do not have any creativity craving. I just want live everyday like this. No challenge, or no asking myself questions.

Purple pen cont'

It was not dead yet. I used today and it was working. It is almost dead but not yet. I received crystal from my therapist today. Today was closure day. I felt good about ending. I learned so much from her.
I think I have better idea of what i wanna write but until I start there is nothing. I have billion thoughts that I do not express. so until I start actually writing it is nothing. But today was first day, I felt, "oh I can start like this and bring to the one message I really wanna share with people. I can write every incident very clearly and carefully."
so I am feeling closer.

Purple pen

I went to book store hoping I can find today's sign (I know I should not expect or try to grab it but I did.) I looked Astrology book but I needed to go bathroom. I tried to hold it but I could not. So, I left the bookstore.......I went to Golden gate park because they have public bathroom. After that I did not have much time left before I pick up my son. I decided to walk in botanical garden. I went to sit down the bench where I always eat lunch and meditate. I got there, and there is a sharp object on the bench. At first, I thought it was needle. I was like, ' oh, no." But then I went closer, and it was purple pen. I sat next to the pen and talk to Steve. " How did you know I am into purple right now? I just got new water bottle and it is purple. Do you want me to write? Now? but I still don't know what to write though."
I put my pen next to the purple one so in case someone come get the pen I can leave mine. I took the purple pen and write about this sign on my memo. Then the pen died. "Is this mean I should not write yet? I'm confused!" I took my pen and purple pen both. I placed my purple pen next to another symbols. I don't exactly know what this mean, we will see.
Another sign purple pen.

Lesson of the day

So, I am crazy about looking for signs. I remember Joe told me he got his Ukulele at ghirardelli square so we went there. I thought, "maybe I will see next sign at the store." We looked and looked around but we could not find the store. I said to myself, "the sign is not something you try to go get it. It is something coming to me and all I have to do is to pay attention around me and inside of me."
So, I learned not to expect to get signs and not to force myself to find signs.
However, paying attention to the signs is a great meditation because I now pay attention to everything around me and my inside as well. I am more aware of who is around, smell, buildings, voice, and my thoughts. And in order to pay attention every moment requires not to stack in one thoughts. I have to constantly moving with flow. I remember more what I did and how I felt.
I came back to home and there is email from my friend from Maui. They have Ukulele that I can borrow while we stay with them. So, I did not need to hurry buying Ukulele!