Appropriate way to end this year!

I have so much passion, I dream all the time as well but I think my passion is stronger than dreamig. That's why I burn myself so easily.
Looks like everybody is going to sleep before midnight. My father is drunk as always he is on New Years. My mother will go to sleep at the same time Abi is going to sleep. I am about to finish my 10th year in this country. There are things I like and things I don't but I love this country. It is still the land of infinite possibility and the place where I am free to dream. Last 10 years I have spent different place every New Year, Boston, Portland, LA, Japan, San Francisco, Bay Point, Maui..... It has been for sure fun adventure. Though, I seemed to able to spend many new years eve with my parents even I was everywhere. This year is calm one and it is very appropriate for me to end this year in writing. I am happy to spend tonight and end this year writing. After all this is what makes me happy. Alone with my thoughts, my soul while my hand moving like busy bee.
Sometimes, I feel I am contradicting because I crave human connection so much but at the same time, I think I love to be alone most. This is how I recharge my energy but this is why I still want strong connection with other people. Many times I feel it is never close enough to other people, and I want spend so many hours with others. And other times I don't care if everyone else exist in my life, and all I want is enjoying myself and my son. Maybe that's why I like to write. It is a perfect combination both being close to others at the same time being alone. Tonight I can go on writing for long time. Actually, every day I can but I feel like I should tonight as my resolution for next year. Live in my passion -writing and show who I am. This is a year of manifestation, I believe.
I think every new years eve, I felt unsureness. It's because things cannot be clear around holiday season. It is the time to just enjoy friends and family. It is the time when everything else slow down. It is a chance for everyone to stop being busy and have appreciation what we already have. So I think New Years eve is hard day to see what is coming up. We are supposed to enjoy what we have right now. I accept that yet my anticipation gets me easily. I anticipate to have "hatuyume"(means first dream of the year which for tells how your year is going to be.) I anticipate how my new journey is taking to me. I know after all this is just one of night. Time or calender was just something we created for us to be practical. And I am not really practical in that way. Still, I take tonight as something special. It is a perfect day to excuse for me to start fresh again!
The house is quiet now. I can only hear me typing. It is a peaceful sound and I can feel how this sound is healing my heart. I am truly myself when I am listening this sound. I am one with me and around me. Time, space, limitations/freedom disappear when I hear this sound. Even myself disappear in this sound. I am no longer who I am that I define in daily life. I am strongest and at the same time kindest while I hear this sound. If this is not my calling or vocation then, what will be..... Everything tells me to go on this path and I believe in myself but it does not change how scary it is for me. It seems like the only way to trust myself is to hear more this sound. Who would thought this modern souless technology sound could be my healing sound? But it is this is not souless machine, this is full of soul depend on who is using it.
I would like to read this on the new years eve of next year.
I wish you Happy New Year! And enjoy your first dream tonight!

It was my father who gave me my first journal. Of course, the memory we carry with us is not the way it actually happneed. It is the way we remeber so this is how I remeber this. I remeber one day he said he has a present for me. He brought me a very pretty diary book. I was 1st grade. He told me that I can write anything I want but I must write everyday even the day I cannot find anything to write. I don't know how I found out but I found out the reason why he gave me a journal was because I failed badly on my first Japanese test. It was supposed to be very easy but I think I only got 50% on the exam. My mother was shocked. She could not believe that I got only 50% on first exam that is supposed to be very easy. She must thought I have a serious problem. > I remeber we sat down kitchen table and she looked. I was okay. I did not know 50% is bad at the time. She analzed what I did wrong. Then she asked, "How did you choose this answers?" (it was multiple choices) > I said, "well I imagined if i was him I would think like this." > My mom, "Did you read a story the top of these questions?"> "Yeah, it was very interesting. How nice of my teacher to attach some fun story on the exam."> "Did you know you are supposed to answer questions based on this story?"> "No, I thought the story is just for fun. I thought I am supposed to answer questions from my imagination." > I think she was relieved that I did not have serious issue on my brain. I was just misunderstanding how to take a test. She taught me how to take these kind of exam........> I remeber it was same week my father bought me the pretty journal. I believe he bought me it because he heard my first exam story from my mother. As matter of fast, my brother had never gotten any journal from my parents. > Same day, my father told me that every time I finish my journal, he will buy new one and I get to pick one. I was so excited about this continuous gift. I did not feel stupid that I failed my exam, but I was happy that now I have a gift for life from my father. > I think it continued through my elementary school. My journal saved my parents marriage one time (well I believe it did!) > My father or mother had never checked my journal. Although my father insisted to write everyday, he had never looked my journal. > One day they ahd really bad fight and they did not skeap for a week. It was the record. I was concern about them. So I wrote on my journal how i feel about it. I was second grade. Up to the time, I was always writing just what happned the day. I had never written how I feel about what I did. But the day I did.> Then, next day I opened my journal and there was a responce from my father. He said "we are going to divorce." My heart jumped out from my body, then I realized there was more wrods after that he said "we are going to get divorce (this is just a joke.) We just have disagreement.....if your mother kiss my cheek, everything will be fine." > something like that. So I wrote back to him, "How do I tell her about this?" > There was no responce from my father next day. I did not know what is my next move.......then miracle happen! > My mother came to me and said, "I think it is time to forgive your father." > I was like, "wow! Good timing!" Then, I asked my mother, "Did you read my journal?" She said, "Yeah, I don't know why but I felt I should." > Then, the night she welcomed my father and we are back to perfect family. > I believe they had never read my journal. They did not care what I wrote. All they wanted was to practice my writing, gain more vocabrary, and be familiar with writing. > But the day, they both did. I felt even how small I am I have a power. My journal saved both my emotional crisis and my family crisis. And it stil does now days. > My father kept buying through my elementary year so about 6 books. I still have all my journal and of course I still have the particular one my father wrote. everytime, I go back to Japan, I read it. so I remeber it was not just my dream. It really happned. when I enter my jr high, I did not write evryday but I still kept writing once a while. The writing style changed from writing about the days event to writing about my feelings. I began to hide from my parents just in case they decided to read again. My journal has been my best friend since the day my father gave me the first one. And I am sure she will continue to be my best friend next year as well. No matter how alone I feel from time to time, she will always be here with me. I read her all the time. We talked about but I stopped writing, or playing guitar when I had Abi and while I was married. > It's so ironic but the first day, I started to write my journal was the day my husband was missing. I was on my way to my friends house in Japan. I wrote on the tain how much I worried about him. I wrote many many times "I hope he is okay, I hope he is okay." Then, next day I found out he wasn't. I promised myself since then not to ignore my instinct. Even though I could not do anything about it, I still felt something that was not quite right. > At the same time, I realized I gained fear from this experience. I get scared when I leave Abi more than one night. Because that was the first day I left my son to my parents to go see my friend. I realized I get scared when someone who is consistently writing does not write me back like they do. Because it reminds of me the time when he stop contacting on me. This is my issue so do not worry but I was worried that you might be gone like he did. I know I have to recondition myself that it was nothing to do with me leaving my son. or there is no relationship between someone no contacting me and death. But it is still scary. Is this my head's problem or my heart? I don't know. > > I don't know why I wrote about this. I was gonna write back to your email. But, this came out before the response to your email. I could not stop writing about this. I have no idea why but I felt I needed to write. Maybe because there is only 6 days left this year and there are a few pages left on my currect journal as well. Maybe because my parents are here right now. Maybe because I wrote how I truly feel right now on my journal right before I wrote this. Maybe because I feel like I am in my dream right now. I feel like I have not waken up for couple month but this is my reality for now. Well I don't know the difference betwee these two -reality and dream. I read the page my father wrote, everytime I go back to Japan so I can tell myself it really happened. Otherwise, I start believing it was just my dream. > Did I really write the book? Or am I dreaming? Did I really see all the signs that I belive to be my sign? > I believe there is no way to practice non-attachment without I experience deep attachment to something at first. If I try to practice non-attachment without accepting I have deep desire, I am actually attaching to non-attachment. Then what I am doing is same thing. I am attached to non-attachment, > So, I decided to feel as deep as I want but it still hurts. It still hurts to know the moment of truth. the moment of jumping into non-attachment practice from attachment experience. I know this is not the end. The door is not closed until I reach... but practing non-attachment is hard thing. I am just expressing this as I write my journal, so take like you are reading my jounral. Tonight, you are my journal. > > Merry, merry christmas! > Please don't be sad finishing my writing. Someone told me once the quote from Dr Seuss "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened!" I like that. You will have many many chances to read wonderful stories of others and mine. Maybe not Hoshi but I am sure whoever next will be her family because at the end we are just one big family.

You cannot learn nonattachment without experiencing attachment.
So, I decided to deeply involve and deelpy attach to something or someone before I practice non-attachment.
Yes, I will experience great deal of pain and suffering by attaching to something or someone but if i don't attach because I am AFRAID not being able to do non-attachment, ultimately I am doing saomething -attaching to non-attachment.
If I decided not to do because of fear of pain, then I am attaching to avoding to my fear.
So, first I have to accept that I am deeply attaching to someone or something. Then, when it crushes, I will learn about non-attachment.
I rather choose to be shredded by my pain than avoiding to face my pain.

So I did not write anything in here for two month or so. There are only two reasons when I don’t write my growth chart. Either I am avoiding to face my inner conflict or I am writing somewhere else.
So, this time it was because I was writing somewhere else. It was very long one not like me but it was just full of me with full of different personality. We will see what it will bring me next year. I still signs almost weekly. It used to creep me out but not anymore. I feel strange when I don’t see them.
So now, my project is about to end. I know I am such a passionate person. I have never met someone who has more fire than I do. I wish I could meet the kind of person one day. But until then, I’ll just have dialogs with myself.
I read my old blogs to see how I was thinking about this new adventure. I didn’t know at the time. I did not know how crazy this year is going to be. I did not know what I am about to plunge in! I am patient seeker with movement, which means I am always on the move and looks like I am impatient.
I think I can love someone again. It was one of the reasons why I picked the plot. I wanted to wake me up. I did not want to feel dead the part of me anymore. I did not want to feel empty anymore.
I think I can love someone again and it is even better I can love both selfishly and selflessly.
I am sorry it took me so long to be ready but I am ready now. I know you have been waiting patiently. It took me 146 pages to find who you are. I am sorry if i made you feel unimportant. But I did in two weeks! I was not rush but I tried to be fast for you. So forgive me. I have rest of my life to make up for you. It's just love comes back when you are ready.