I was survival mood last week, and I forgot about how to connect with myself and with everything around me. Am I just lazy or what? My mood is very low. But I am excited about my new rollercoaster ride. Well, I am not lazy from outside, but I feel so lazy because I know what I want. I miss myself. I have been in and out myself many times. So I will be back hopefully soon. When I am out, I don't know how I write stuff I wrote before, how I wrote songs, how I was so woohoo place and not thinking all practical matter. When I am in, I forget all the worries. when I am out, I start to think everything takes forever, and endless. Then, I start to think hopeless because I do not know why I do things. I just look for all quick result and forget that journey is what I am here for. I can feel winter is coming because I can feel how my mood is different with 2 month ago.
I remember when I was child, I was envy kids who found something they are good at. I remember how happy i will be if I was good at drawing, building, math, running. What I was good at was writing and giving public speech at school. But it was not in the school subject. I felt it was very useless. I was good at day dreaming but it was considered as laziness. I wished to have some skill in testable field so it looks good on my report. I guess I feel sad today. When I am in good mood of course, I don't care how I felt in past. I am happy so I am happy. That's it! But right now, I think I am not sure. Will I ever come back?
What if I stay here forever? See anytime I start talking about what if, I am speaking about my fear and not actual reality. I would like to curl up on the bed and stay as long as I want. I am not patient person when it comes to my own growth so as long as I want is usually one day. yeah very short. I think I tried that before and I realized nothing will change even I do what I wanna do to run away from my feeling. Feelings stay no matter where I go. I wanted to start writing before winter because I know I will be very down soon. What am I going to do next? Okay I found what I wanna try next while I am still finishing up what I dreamed to do. But, how am I gonna do next one. Yeah, it was all magical last couple months but now I am back from magical place and on the ground.
continue after meditation