different kind of love

I was listening beautiful love song. Then, I thought, "wow how wonderful to be in love." like love is for someone else. I love many many people in my life. And I love them deeply not just saying like end of phone conversation. I really do love them. But, I don't know about romance.....I have no desire to be in love that way. I had a crush once and that was enough excitement for me. And now I feel I am good for another year without any feeling like that. what is the use of it? I love my son and my family dearly. I have busy a year ahead. I am very happy everything the way it is right now. I love changes, I love moving geographically, and emotionally. But the change is not welcome right now. why do people fall in love? I must know the answer 4 years ago. But now it seems impossible to find the answer. Even though someone gives answer, I probably don't understand what the person is talking about-I mean emotionally. Is the part of me actually dead? Or is it just sleeping? The answer is "I really don't mind not having the part of me. I actually love not being capable of falling in love."
I am just sad that I cannot write any passionate love letter to anyone. I love writing love letter and to be read because when you are in love, everything is great. The letter that is so cheesy to someone else is most beautiful letter to the lovers. You just don't care how you sounds like. The objective part of you is gone when you are writing it or when you are reading it.
How often can we be that blind? How often do we allow ourselves to be that blind? Besides, some of the most wonderful songs are so cheesy, so passionate and love song. But it touches your heart because love opens up your heart the part you always hide.
I think that's the part I miss not actual being with other human being. I heard the love song and I felt empty. I understand how beautiful the song is how transforming process the love can be. I thought, "oh I wish I can be that beautiful being without being love." I felt empty and I was sad that I felt okay being empty. I was very passionate person, seriously but I cannot recall how I used be, I don't know how I wrote all the love songs and love letters. Relationship was center of my life not because being with the person (well I did love them ) is the best thing ever but I loved how much I can learn about myself by being in the relationship. I love me more than the other or the relationship so I loved being relationship. I know I am narcissistic , I know it and it is very hard to convince anything to narcissistic person about him/her. Anyway, even from astrology chart, it says that I learn about myself, I explore myself most by being partnership. No wonder, every relationship I feel transformed and feel wiser. I have a good excuse. So where am I going.......sleeping in Seattle. the guy who lost wife year and half ago found love. The radio show host in the movie said, "a year and half! That's long time." something like that. But I don't think a year and half is not that long! 2 years is not enough in my case. Time is not relative to readiness to be in love again. Can I be creative again without being in love? Can I taste the sweetness/bitterness of relationship again? Can I feel something when I talk or write about my experience with other person? I feel like rock when i talk or write about past experience right now. And it's unfortunate because I loved the part of me. Will I be able to teach my son about love, if I don't know what is like anymore?
I don't feel urgent to tackle this issue or feeling of emptiness. But it just came up while I was listening the song. Does my love feel cold to people who I love? I think that's I most concern right now. I know the love I feel is not hot like fire, it's more like hot chocolate but it is real. I hope everyone feel it.