I am type 7 in enneagram. I like open, options, less commitment. They say I have many project that's unfinished. I am not sure that's true but I can relate that I like to move next to next. All the personality types (astrology, MBTI, enneagram) that I took same thing about me. So I think there is something very accurate about me. I say so because I agree with it. they all says writing and creativity, which I really believe that's in me. But I am not tuned I was very tune about 4 years ago but now no it has been for a while......
So, I was thinking I am not passionate about anything lately. I love things I do and I am trying to do but I have not found new way to look at them. When I cannot find new thing to be passionate about I go with my obsession. I have one obsession lately well it's been 3 month. That's long for me. So, I think I am gonna stick to this obsession. There must be reason for it because I usually don't! Maybe this is leading something more....
anyway obsession has negative image in this country but I think it is not good or bad. It is depend on how you use it.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Lavender
My favorite flower is Lavender. For many years, it was my dream to grow lavender. I grew up in fifth floor of condo in Japan. In my head, I had a picture of lavender farm that I once saw in Hokkaido (north part of Japan.) I love Lavender oil, lavender soap. Any lavender smell that is from real lavender. So, when I moved to a house with my husband, I planted. Everyday, I checked how she is doing like it is my child. Every night I told my dog, "the flower plant is very very special for mommy. It is not your bathroom. Okay. " So with all my love and nurture, lavender responded very well. I had one lavender plant but in my head I was seeing the lavender farm in Hokkaido. I was happy. Of course, when the house went to foreclosure with all other mess, and moving to Boston, I could not take her with me. I didn't even know where I am gonna live now. I took my dog and child they are the only living thing I took and left. So, of course when I moved back to SF, the first thing I did was to plant some lavender. Smell is a strong trigger for memory. I needed lavender plants more than any other plant before. I nurtured, checked everyday, talked to them like my second child. My dog cannot go outside unless I go with her because no doggy door. So that covered that.
I loved her very much. But, two weeks later I noticed she dried out. Well, it must be gradual but for me it was very very sudden. I was probably denial that she was dying. So, when I noticed she was already small and dry, nothing like it used to be.
I began to wonder why. Did I give too much water, too little? Was I suppose to give certain fertilizer? Was sun too strong or too weak for her. I blamed myself. I thought it's gotta be a reason why she did not survive. From everyone eyes it was obvious that she was dead but I kept her and hoping that she is gonna come back. Summer passed and still no sign of coming back. October in SF is Indian summer, best time to do anything. All my plants looking good. Strawberry is still giving some fruits. Everyone seems enjoying to be plant except one spot, my lavender. I felt sad to leave there. I thought, "maybe it's my ego to keep her there. Maybe she wants to be useful for other plants and going back to soil now. I wish to keep her place I can see but I know her job to be lavender is done. I know she is not alive. If I keep her any longer, I am not doing any good for her or ME.
So, I pulled gently saying Good-bye. And I brought her to the place where she belongs now. Now, she can be part of another living thing that's waiting to give a birth next.
Now, there is one bold spot in my garden. Every time I see the spot I remember my lavender. Even she is gone, I still see her there. But, now I know there is so much potential for the spot. As long as the lavender stays there, nothing will grow. In order to welcome something new, I have to let the other go. I have to let the one I am hanging on because I am scared to see what's coming up next. When I let it go, something beautiful thing comes out from there. Now I know it.
Is there such thing call enough time range for grieving? DSM IV says "1 year." But I disagree. No there is no time range. Does the length of relationship or dying situation effect grieving process? Yes, but no matter how well you prepared, no matter how short the relationship was still length of grieving is individual. We cannot calculate grieving length depend on these fact. Is there end of grieving? I am not sure.
Every time, you take in something new, something is dying. The new habit VS old habit, new future VS old future. And I am not just talking about people death. We are repeating dying and giving a birth process everyday. It hurts. It hurts especially when the process is obvious.
Grieving hurts, but it is not bad thing. Grieving is enlightening because it symbolize birth at the same time.
Every week I am torn between staying my school and quiting. I dedicated 10 years to study it, but maybe maybe I am just afraid to go through grieving process. I know something will give a birth when I finish this but should I wait another year or now?
I loved her very much. But, two weeks later I noticed she dried out. Well, it must be gradual but for me it was very very sudden. I was probably denial that she was dying. So, when I noticed she was already small and dry, nothing like it used to be.
I began to wonder why. Did I give too much water, too little? Was I suppose to give certain fertilizer? Was sun too strong or too weak for her. I blamed myself. I thought it's gotta be a reason why she did not survive. From everyone eyes it was obvious that she was dead but I kept her and hoping that she is gonna come back. Summer passed and still no sign of coming back. October in SF is Indian summer, best time to do anything. All my plants looking good. Strawberry is still giving some fruits. Everyone seems enjoying to be plant except one spot, my lavender. I felt sad to leave there. I thought, "maybe it's my ego to keep her there. Maybe she wants to be useful for other plants and going back to soil now. I wish to keep her place I can see but I know her job to be lavender is done. I know she is not alive. If I keep her any longer, I am not doing any good for her or ME.
So, I pulled gently saying Good-bye. And I brought her to the place where she belongs now. Now, she can be part of another living thing that's waiting to give a birth next.
Now, there is one bold spot in my garden. Every time I see the spot I remember my lavender. Even she is gone, I still see her there. But, now I know there is so much potential for the spot. As long as the lavender stays there, nothing will grow. In order to welcome something new, I have to let the other go. I have to let the one I am hanging on because I am scared to see what's coming up next. When I let it go, something beautiful thing comes out from there. Now I know it.
Is there such thing call enough time range for grieving? DSM IV says "1 year." But I disagree. No there is no time range. Does the length of relationship or dying situation effect grieving process? Yes, but no matter how well you prepared, no matter how short the relationship was still length of grieving is individual. We cannot calculate grieving length depend on these fact. Is there end of grieving? I am not sure.
Every time, you take in something new, something is dying. The new habit VS old habit, new future VS old future. And I am not just talking about people death. We are repeating dying and giving a birth process everyday. It hurts. It hurts especially when the process is obvious.
Grieving hurts, but it is not bad thing. Grieving is enlightening because it symbolize birth at the same time.
Every week I am torn between staying my school and quiting. I dedicated 10 years to study it, but maybe maybe I am just afraid to go through grieving process. I know something will give a birth when I finish this but should I wait another year or now?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What am i missing?
What makes good therapist-you are fully in the present moment while you are in the session
What makes good writer -you are fully in the present moment while you are writing
What makes good performer-you are fully in the present moment while are you performing
What makes good parents- you are fully in the present moment while you are playing with kids
Skill yes that is important but you cannot develop skill unless you know how to be fully in present moment. Skill without 100% in is like reading some existentialism book without trying to find your own understanding.
Whatever you pick to be, be fully in the moment. People notice that you are 100% in. You will feel alive, people will recognize you.
How can you achieve to be fully in the present moment in ? Well, that's people have been trying to figure out and the answer is there is no specific answer to that. You have to find your own way to focus to go into the 100% moment.
What makes good writer -you are fully in the present moment while you are writing
What makes good performer-you are fully in the present moment while are you performing
What makes good parents- you are fully in the present moment while you are playing with kids
Skill yes that is important but you cannot develop skill unless you know how to be fully in present moment. Skill without 100% in is like reading some existentialism book without trying to find your own understanding.
Whatever you pick to be, be fully in the moment. People notice that you are 100% in. You will feel alive, people will recognize you.
How can you achieve to be fully in the present moment in ? Well, that's people have been trying to figure out and the answer is there is no specific answer to that. You have to find your own way to focus to go into the 100% moment.
Monday, October 13, 2008
different kind of love
I was listening beautiful love song. Then, I thought, "wow how wonderful to be in love." like love is for someone else. I love many many people in my life. And I love them deeply not just saying like end of phone conversation. I really do love them. But, I don't know about romance.....I have no desire to be in love that way. I had a crush once and that was enough excitement for me. And now I feel I am good for another year without any feeling like that. what is the use of it? I love my son and my family dearly. I have busy a year ahead. I am very happy everything the way it is right now. I love changes, I love moving geographically, and emotionally. But the change is not welcome right now. why do people fall in love? I must know the answer 4 years ago. But now it seems impossible to find the answer. Even though someone gives answer, I probably don't understand what the person is talking about-I mean emotionally. Is the part of me actually dead? Or is it just sleeping? The answer is "I really don't mind not having the part of me. I actually love not being capable of falling in love."
I am just sad that I cannot write any passionate love letter to anyone. I love writing love letter and to be read because when you are in love, everything is great. The letter that is so cheesy to someone else is most beautiful letter to the lovers. You just don't care how you sounds like. The objective part of you is gone when you are writing it or when you are reading it.
How often can we be that blind? How often do we allow ourselves to be that blind? Besides, some of the most wonderful songs are so cheesy, so passionate and love song. But it touches your heart because love opens up your heart the part you always hide.
I think that's the part I miss not actual being with other human being. I heard the love song and I felt empty. I understand how beautiful the song is how transforming process the love can be. I thought, "oh I wish I can be that beautiful being without being love." I felt empty and I was sad that I felt okay being empty. I was very passionate person, seriously but I cannot recall how I used be, I don't know how I wrote all the love songs and love letters. Relationship was center of my life not because being with the person (well I did love them ) is the best thing ever but I loved how much I can learn about myself by being in the relationship. I love me more than the other or the relationship so I loved being relationship. I know I am narcissistic , I know it and it is very hard to convince anything to narcissistic person about him/her. Anyway, even from astrology chart, it says that I learn about myself, I explore myself most by being partnership. No wonder, every relationship I feel transformed and feel wiser. I have a good excuse. So where am I going.......sleeping in Seattle. the guy who lost wife year and half ago found love. The radio show host in the movie said, "a year and half! That's long time." something like that. But I don't think a year and half is not that long! 2 years is not enough in my case. Time is not relative to readiness to be in love again. Can I be creative again without being in love? Can I taste the sweetness/bitterness of relationship again? Can I feel something when I talk or write about my experience with other person? I feel like rock when i talk or write about past experience right now. And it's unfortunate because I loved the part of me. Will I be able to teach my son about love, if I don't know what is like anymore?
I don't feel urgent to tackle this issue or feeling of emptiness. But it just came up while I was listening the song. Does my love feel cold to people who I love? I think that's I most concern right now. I know the love I feel is not hot like fire, it's more like hot chocolate but it is real. I hope everyone feel it.
I am just sad that I cannot write any passionate love letter to anyone. I love writing love letter and to be read because when you are in love, everything is great. The letter that is so cheesy to someone else is most beautiful letter to the lovers. You just don't care how you sounds like. The objective part of you is gone when you are writing it or when you are reading it.
How often can we be that blind? How often do we allow ourselves to be that blind? Besides, some of the most wonderful songs are so cheesy, so passionate and love song. But it touches your heart because love opens up your heart the part you always hide.
I think that's the part I miss not actual being with other human being. I heard the love song and I felt empty. I understand how beautiful the song is how transforming process the love can be. I thought, "oh I wish I can be that beautiful being without being love." I felt empty and I was sad that I felt okay being empty. I was very passionate person, seriously but I cannot recall how I used be, I don't know how I wrote all the love songs and love letters. Relationship was center of my life not because being with the person (well I did love them ) is the best thing ever but I loved how much I can learn about myself by being in the relationship. I love me more than the other or the relationship so I loved being relationship. I know I am narcissistic , I know it and it is very hard to convince anything to narcissistic person about him/her. Anyway, even from astrology chart, it says that I learn about myself, I explore myself most by being partnership. No wonder, every relationship I feel transformed and feel wiser. I have a good excuse. So where am I going.......sleeping in Seattle. the guy who lost wife year and half ago found love. The radio show host in the movie said, "a year and half! That's long time." something like that. But I don't think a year and half is not that long! 2 years is not enough in my case. Time is not relative to readiness to be in love again. Can I be creative again without being in love? Can I taste the sweetness/bitterness of relationship again? Can I feel something when I talk or write about my experience with other person? I feel like rock when i talk or write about past experience right now. And it's unfortunate because I loved the part of me. Will I be able to teach my son about love, if I don't know what is like anymore?
I don't feel urgent to tackle this issue or feeling of emptiness. But it just came up while I was listening the song. Does my love feel cold to people who I love? I think that's I most concern right now. I know the love I feel is not hot like fire, it's more like hot chocolate but it is real. I hope everyone feel it.
no misspelling!
Everyday I think about what to write, where to start. Then I don't actually start anything. I feel like I am a lazy person but actually more like I am scared.
I think about all kids of message-symbols, signs, childhood, love etc. Then, I said to myself, "no that's not what I really wanna say." But maybe I want to say all, they are all parts of me and nothing should be ignored. So pick one and start from there and write next and go on and on. I know it is easy to say but I think that's what I need to do. I got purple pen to prove it, too. I just need to find one message in each material and stick to it. And choose which one I want to write first. Okay, I will meditate today about this.
I think about all kids of message-symbols, signs, childhood, love etc. Then, I said to myself, "no that's not what I really wanna say." But maybe I want to say all, they are all parts of me and nothing should be ignored. So pick one and start from there and write next and go on and on. I know it is easy to say but I think that's what I need to do. I got purple pen to prove it, too. I just need to find one message in each material and stick to it. And choose which one I want to write first. Okay, I will meditate today about this.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I am not lonely when I am with myself. I am not lonely when I am fully in the present moment. I wonder which will I choose to be lonely or to be in mess? My friend said to me, "I love you when you are in mess." I guess I look alive. Which will I choose to be alive or to be dead? Well, I choose to be alive. I am wearing pink robe my husband gave to me. At the time, I thought, "well I am not a pink person and I don't wear robe but I love him so I will keep it." When I was packing my stuff, I saw the robe again and I thought, "Well I am still not a pink person and I haven't wear this last 2 years......but I love him so I will take wherever I move." The robe was hanging my bathroom door for 7 month. I looked everyday and I thought, "this is kind of useless but I love him so I will leave it there." Winter came two days ago, and I thought, I could use this now. And, I actually love it. It's not only because my husband gave to me but because it is useful now. So, maybe all the things I think useless can be useful. It's just not their turn yet. I sometime say to me, "I am not sure if I am wasting my time by doing this. I could do this with the time I spend for this....." They could be my pink robe now.
If I really want something, i will do it no matter how hard it is. Even though there is no time, I will make a time. If I give up because of whatever I say to myself. Then, I am not committed enough to pursue it. I am just making up excuse by saying, "oh no time. Oh I am too tired." Yes, I know my energy is low now but that can be my pink robe too. So, I will keep on my pink robe and overcome this winter. At least today....at least now.
If I really want something, i will do it no matter how hard it is. Even though there is no time, I will make a time. If I give up because of whatever I say to myself. Then, I am not committed enough to pursue it. I am just making up excuse by saying, "oh no time. Oh I am too tired." Yes, I know my energy is low now but that can be my pink robe too. So, I will keep on my pink robe and overcome this winter. At least today....at least now.
I was survival mood last week, and I forgot about how to connect with myself and with everything around me. Am I just lazy or what? My mood is very low. But I am excited about my new rollercoaster ride. Well, I am not lazy from outside, but I feel so lazy because I know what I want. I miss myself. I have been in and out myself many times. So I will be back hopefully soon. When I am out, I don't know how I write stuff I wrote before, how I wrote songs, how I was so woohoo place and not thinking all practical matter. When I am in, I forget all the worries. when I am out, I start to think everything takes forever, and endless. Then, I start to think hopeless because I do not know why I do things. I just look for all quick result and forget that journey is what I am here for. I can feel winter is coming because I can feel how my mood is different with 2 month ago.
I remember when I was child, I was envy kids who found something they are good at. I remember how happy i will be if I was good at drawing, building, math, running. What I was good at was writing and giving public speech at school. But it was not in the school subject. I felt it was very useless. I was good at day dreaming but it was considered as laziness. I wished to have some skill in testable field so it looks good on my report. I guess I feel sad today. When I am in good mood of course, I don't care how I felt in past. I am happy so I am happy. That's it! But right now, I think I am not sure. Will I ever come back?
What if I stay here forever? See anytime I start talking about what if, I am speaking about my fear and not actual reality. I would like to curl up on the bed and stay as long as I want. I am not patient person when it comes to my own growth so as long as I want is usually one day. yeah very short. I think I tried that before and I realized nothing will change even I do what I wanna do to run away from my feeling. Feelings stay no matter where I go. I wanted to start writing before winter because I know I will be very down soon. What am I going to do next? Okay I found what I wanna try next while I am still finishing up what I dreamed to do. But, how am I gonna do next one. Yeah, it was all magical last couple months but now I am back from magical place and on the ground.
continue after meditation
I remember when I was child, I was envy kids who found something they are good at. I remember how happy i will be if I was good at drawing, building, math, running. What I was good at was writing and giving public speech at school. But it was not in the school subject. I felt it was very useless. I was good at day dreaming but it was considered as laziness. I wished to have some skill in testable field so it looks good on my report. I guess I feel sad today. When I am in good mood of course, I don't care how I felt in past. I am happy so I am happy. That's it! But right now, I think I am not sure. Will I ever come back?
What if I stay here forever? See anytime I start talking about what if, I am speaking about my fear and not actual reality. I would like to curl up on the bed and stay as long as I want. I am not patient person when it comes to my own growth so as long as I want is usually one day. yeah very short. I think I tried that before and I realized nothing will change even I do what I wanna do to run away from my feeling. Feelings stay no matter where I go. I wanted to start writing before winter because I know I will be very down soon. What am I going to do next? Okay I found what I wanna try next while I am still finishing up what I dreamed to do. But, how am I gonna do next one. Yeah, it was all magical last couple months but now I am back from magical place and on the ground.
continue after meditation
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Today was the first day of the season that I smelled winter. I have seasonal depression. I figured out with my therapist couple years ago. Last year, I did not have depression because I was living in paradise, year before I was grieving not depressing. So, it has been while since I experienced seasonal depression. I will see how it goes this year. But today, I was actually very excited to smell winter. I don't know why. This is the third winter without him, and I am actually excited about going through this winter. Every winter was different since he past away. After many many airplane rides and many families and beds visit, finally we are here. I am happy to stay one place for a while until next airplane ride. Yesterday, I cried on the way back from school. I did not cry because I was sad, We read couple articles about love and health. Basically it all said, " loneliness kills us!"
I am very aware that I cannot live without other people's existence in my life. But I love to be alone. I noticed I feel transformation when I meet people who inspires me, or after I meet someone and I can dig more about myself. The person can be short term, long term, teacher, lover, friend, and relatives. It is not about what they said to me nor what we discussed. It is the relationship that we both created, and it is the air we shared. They help me to transform. I am a dreamer so I could be just dreaming and idealizing but who cares I felt that way and it changed. And that's the truth.
So, if that's true then, I care connection more than anything in this whole world, but I love to be alone. They say loneliness and alone is different. And I agree with it. However, being alone can bring some loneliness to me, if I am not careful. If I start thinking, "well I can take care of this, well nothing will change by telling my concern to my friends, what if they think I am wired".....so on.
They are all loneliness statement while I am alone. For me, I have to aware being alone is bringing be creativity, help focus, and bigger sense of connection. If not, then I am avoiding to be with people because I am scared of something.
So why did I cry on the way to my school? because I am so fortunate. I can say I am the most luckiest person in this whole universe. Why? Because I can feel that way.
"Fullhouse" style living is going on my life in SF. I have a family in SF, in Boston, in Maui, in Japan. I can count on each family in different situation. I know my family in SF will always try to help when I ask for help and when i don't ask help, and help me to stay positive. Even right this moment, I can get help by just going down stairs and talk about anything. Or I call one of my friend. They will listen until I stop talking. Then, I know I will feel connected to them. My family in Boston will help me anything I have concern. They are the one who helped me when I needed place to live, when I was the lowest point of my life-thinking how am I gonna live tomorrow? We are very different but I know how much they care about us. I realized caring manifest in different way. The only thing we need to do is to understand universal feelings and repeat fail to understand and communicate to understand. My family in Maui is the people who taught me when I feel happy. The welcoming community, without them my healing process took twice longer than it did. Every moment I spend with them was magical for me. I feel perfect in the island. Then, my family in Japan they love me not because I have their grandchild. They love me because they love me. I don't have to live close to them because I know how much they care about us without them telling me. I filled up their love over 20 years while I lived with them. I just talk to them on the web cam and my love fuel is recharged to full again. It's that easy for me.
I love being alone but not being lonely. I am awfully shy in the group. I have no idea how to chat with people at lunch table or in the classroom. But because it takes long time to start new real friendship for me, every relationship is precious for me. And, eventually they become my family.
I hope everyone I love can feel this deep love from me.
I am very aware that I cannot live without other people's existence in my life. But I love to be alone. I noticed I feel transformation when I meet people who inspires me, or after I meet someone and I can dig more about myself. The person can be short term, long term, teacher, lover, friend, and relatives. It is not about what they said to me nor what we discussed. It is the relationship that we both created, and it is the air we shared. They help me to transform. I am a dreamer so I could be just dreaming and idealizing but who cares I felt that way and it changed. And that's the truth.
So, if that's true then, I care connection more than anything in this whole world, but I love to be alone. They say loneliness and alone is different. And I agree with it. However, being alone can bring some loneliness to me, if I am not careful. If I start thinking, "well I can take care of this, well nothing will change by telling my concern to my friends, what if they think I am wired".....so on.
They are all loneliness statement while I am alone. For me, I have to aware being alone is bringing be creativity, help focus, and bigger sense of connection. If not, then I am avoiding to be with people because I am scared of something.
So why did I cry on the way to my school? because I am so fortunate. I can say I am the most luckiest person in this whole universe. Why? Because I can feel that way.
"Fullhouse" style living is going on my life in SF. I have a family in SF, in Boston, in Maui, in Japan. I can count on each family in different situation. I know my family in SF will always try to help when I ask for help and when i don't ask help, and help me to stay positive. Even right this moment, I can get help by just going down stairs and talk about anything. Or I call one of my friend. They will listen until I stop talking. Then, I know I will feel connected to them. My family in Boston will help me anything I have concern. They are the one who helped me when I needed place to live, when I was the lowest point of my life-thinking how am I gonna live tomorrow? We are very different but I know how much they care about us. I realized caring manifest in different way. The only thing we need to do is to understand universal feelings and repeat fail to understand and communicate to understand. My family in Maui is the people who taught me when I feel happy. The welcoming community, without them my healing process took twice longer than it did. Every moment I spend with them was magical for me. I feel perfect in the island. Then, my family in Japan they love me not because I have their grandchild. They love me because they love me. I don't have to live close to them because I know how much they care about us without them telling me. I filled up their love over 20 years while I lived with them. I just talk to them on the web cam and my love fuel is recharged to full again. It's that easy for me.
I love being alone but not being lonely. I am awfully shy in the group. I have no idea how to chat with people at lunch table or in the classroom. But because it takes long time to start new real friendship for me, every relationship is precious for me. And, eventually they become my family.
I hope everyone I love can feel this deep love from me.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Is there anything I really wanna say? I am grateful to have my housemate as my friends and as my family. I appreciate not because we can exchange babysitter but because they are my support. Even though they could not help me in action, I would still be grateful to have them. I read today, people who do not have support or intimate relationship have high risk or hart attack. loneliness welcome disease and death. I imagine what if we were living just two of us.......it would be so hard to live everyday. Even just seeing my friends face and, knowing if some thing comes up, I can always count on them. That gives me such a relief. I have to tell them how much I appreciate their being more than their action. Originally, I said to myself, "my son need some form of family. So, I will try to live with my friends, I will try to go find his playmates." But the person who really needed friends was me. They are my support and because I have them I am can be a parent the way I believe it's good for my son.
I hear all the time and I believe it's true that San Francisco is a lonely place. Everybody is working hard, everybody has their own life. It is so hard to find people who you can connect and create deep friendship. But if you really want it, you will find. If you really value it, you will find people who feel same way.
Yeah, everybody is alone in this city because most people came from different state or country. That's why we can create our own definition of family. That's why we want family like community more than any other place in USA. So I picked here.
I hear all the time and I believe it's true that San Francisco is a lonely place. Everybody is working hard, everybody has their own life. It is so hard to find people who you can connect and create deep friendship. But if you really want it, you will find. If you really value it, you will find people who feel same way.
Yeah, everybody is alone in this city because most people came from different state or country. That's why we can create our own definition of family. That's why we want family like community more than any other place in USA. So I picked here.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
And
And, I do not worry if someone thinks I look too dramatic or I look sorry for myself. Because life can be short to worry how I look outside. I am happiest person on the earth because I have everything I dreamed and at the same time I chase my dream. Life can be too short to worry about everything that has not happen yet. I rather use the time to focus what I can offer to me, my son and to the universe. That’s why I am here for like everyone else too. So I am gonna just say what I tried not to say, call me dreamer, idealist, non-sense, or naïve because non of the statement can change who I am right now. I will still be happy like I am right now. I will still chase my dream or be idealist. Then, if I did not play safe enough, I will say, “Oh well but at least I live fully every moment of my life”
Being widow
Today I am gonna write about being widow. I have a problem disclosing about my husband when I meet new people. I was at my friend’s boy’s birthday party. After the party we went to back to their place with a few their friends. We were just chatting about future, career, health insurance, and so on. I find myself trying not to say that I lost my husband when we were talking about my school, choice of career because I do not want anybody to feel sorry for me. And I do not want anybody to stop talking whatever we are talking about. I want it to be NORMAL. Maybe I am thinking too much. Next time maybe I will be open, “Well I realized I try not to talk about that I lost my husband. I know I sounds so idealistic, dreamer, and just too young. But I realized when I lost him, my life can be as short as his or less. I realized even I believe in reincarnation, this is the only life I will most likely remember. I realized at least this life, I get to live the way I want as me and I am one of kind like you are. For a year and half, I was working so hard to stable everything around me that is visible like financial stuff, family, living situation. And I am glad that I did it because now I can peacefully focus what I really want to do with my life. I wanna be useful for both myself and here this world. I do not want to waist me. I try so hard not to mention about him but the truth is that everyday I live with him. Every lesson I learn from him is important part of me. Not mention what I learn from his life and death is like not introducing my name. I am very happy and everything perfect for him and me. I cannot ask anything better than now. But I still have to talk about him to tell what I believe in. I realized I am a dreamer and an idealist and that’s something I own like my eyes and nose. And I promised myself that I am not gonna act just because I think I should do or I am expected to do. I will rather chase my dream or explore my dream while I still act as responsible mother in my own definition. Because life can be short. The person who knows he/she is end of life and me have one common thing ‘we can die now.’ The only difference we have is that one is more aware of death and I am not. So that’s how I decided not to choose my vocation based on money. I know how much I need to live every month and I know I have that much money every month. If for some reason it stops, I still know how to survive. So, it fits my own definition of responsible mother. And rest of that I am going to look for my perfect vocation or create my own. It is very important for me. Anyway, that is why I am more dreamer than ever. And, even though I do not use my degree to get job, I still think it was very useful for me to survive past 2 years. I actually think sometime because I was destined to go though this experience so I went to my school. $30000 was not expensive for me comparing me becoming suicide.”
Maybe that’s what I will tell next time. There is part of me who wants to be understood. And there is a part of me who does not want people think that I feel sorry for myself or I have a good excuse to be dreamer. Dreamer part of me was always with me, it just emphasized by my experience. Do I sound sorry for myself? I don’t think so.
Maybe that’s what I will tell next time. There is part of me who wants to be understood. And there is a part of me who does not want people think that I feel sorry for myself or I have a good excuse to be dreamer. Dreamer part of me was always with me, it just emphasized by my experience. Do I sound sorry for myself? I don’t think so.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
How am I gonna do this?
Trip was great but I am so happy to be back here. I could not concentrate following my signs while I was on the road. I feel I am off the track. I felt so good when I was here in August but now I am so nervous about everything. Am i gonna survive? How am I gonna find a way? Am I ready to write? Really? All the signs says YES! But I am not so confident about it. Well I decided to write when i come back from my vacation so I must do it. My auntie and I read destiny book of astrology and it said. "you have everything you need inside of me. All I need is stop daydreaming and satisfy but it, and make something so that people can benefit from your ideas and thoughts." I was daydreamer since I was little, I have no talent of drawing, math, sports anything that was in school subject but I was born to be daydream and it was proved by astrology. My mother used to say, "Stop daydreaming and do what you have to do." Her timing of telling me was just 20 some years off but I guess she was right. So I have to make something visual now. The only thing i can think of is writing. I have no passion of craft or visual art but I love writing and well I got white feather from my husband. It is a good reason to write.
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