Lavender

My favorite flower is Lavender. For many years, it was my dream to grow lavender. I grew up in fifth floor of condo in Japan. In my head, I had a picture of lavender farm that I once saw in Hokkaido (north part of Japan.) I love Lavender oil, lavender soap. Any lavender smell that is from real lavender. So, when I moved to a house with my husband, I planted. Everyday, I checked how she is doing like it is my child. Every night I told my dog, "the flower plant is very very special for mommy. It is not your bathroom. Okay. " So with all my love and nurture, lavender responded very well. I had one lavender plant but in my head I was seeing the lavender farm in Hokkaido. I was happy. Of course, when the house went to foreclosure with all other mess, and moving to Boston, I could not take her with me. I didn't even know where I am gonna live now. I took my dog and child they are the only living thing I took and left. So, of course when I moved back to SF, the first thing I did was to plant some lavender. Smell is a strong trigger for memory. I needed lavender plants more than any other plant before. I nurtured, checked everyday, talked to them like my second child. My dog cannot go outside unless I go with her because no doggy door. So that covered that.
I loved her very much. But, two weeks later I noticed she dried out. Well, it must be gradual but for me it was very very sudden. I was probably denial that she was dying. So, when I noticed she was already small and dry, nothing like it used to be.

I began to wonder why. Did I give too much water, too little? Was I suppose to give certain fertilizer? Was sun too strong or too weak for her. I blamed myself. I thought it's gotta be a reason why she did not survive. From everyone eyes it was obvious that she was dead but I kept her and hoping that she is gonna come back. Summer passed and still no sign of coming back. October in SF is Indian summer, best time to do anything. All my plants looking good. Strawberry is still giving some fruits. Everyone seems enjoying to be plant except one spot, my lavender. I felt sad to leave there. I thought, "maybe it's my ego to keep her there. Maybe she wants to be useful for other plants and going back to soil now. I wish to keep her place I can see but I know her job to be lavender is done. I know she is not alive. If I keep her any longer, I am not doing any good for her or ME.
So, I pulled gently saying Good-bye. And I brought her to the place where she belongs now. Now, she can be part of another living thing that's waiting to give a birth next.

Now, there is one bold spot in my garden. Every time I see the spot I remember my lavender. Even she is gone, I still see her there. But, now I know there is so much potential for the spot. As long as the lavender stays there, nothing will grow. In order to welcome something new, I have to let the other go. I have to let the one I am hanging on because I am scared to see what's coming up next. When I let it go, something beautiful thing comes out from there. Now I know it.

Is there such thing call enough time range for grieving? DSM IV says "1 year." But I disagree. No there is no time range. Does the length of relationship or dying situation effect grieving process? Yes, but no matter how well you prepared, no matter how short the relationship was still length of grieving is individual. We cannot calculate grieving length depend on these fact. Is there end of grieving? I am not sure.

Every time, you take in something new, something is dying. The new habit VS old habit, new future VS old future. And I am not just talking about people death. We are repeating dying and giving a birth process everyday. It hurts. It hurts especially when the process is obvious.
Grieving hurts, but it is not bad thing. Grieving is enlightening because it symbolize birth at the same time.

Every week I am torn between staying my school and quiting. I dedicated 10 years to study it, but maybe maybe I am just afraid to go through grieving process. I know something will give a birth when I finish this but should I wait another year or now?