I cannot think

I cannot think what to write. I feel like I am not good parents. Why am I negative about my life all the sudden? I am in Paradise right now. I miss my own time, and I feel bad feeling it. The cloth does not fit anymore when you grow out of it. Why can I listen my son more carefully? I love this place, and I would like to die here. But it's just not the place to live right now. I see my little son and think, "one day I won't be able to carry him." Then, I felt, "Am I spending time with him the way I want? The way I don't regret?" This little boy, how did he got so big, so smart, and so happy? Was it overnight thing? I am so tired so I need to take a nap or sleep late. Am I missing all the action with him? Am I not doing enough? I want to meditate but on this strip so my mind will be clear for him, but I have no time to do that in here so far. I love traveling but right now I love my home in SF. I really feel that's the place I want to be. That's the place I find myself again, my calling to be........support, my way of love. I guess I am homesick right now. No way how can I be! I am in the paradise.